Scribes: June 2, 1998

Dear Scribes,
I would like your opinion on a rumor I recently made up, er, I mean heard: Koopa's claim to fame separating himself from the countless other Koopa Troopas was the role he won the part for in 1992's Super Mario Kart. Koopa later agreed to change his name to something more original, Magikoopa, which he used in SMW2, SMRPG, and Tetris 2. Magikoopa was working on the Mario Kart 64 project (there were screen shots of the game with him included in them) until Nintendo found out that he had already signed a contract with Rare. (Nintendo then filled his vacancy in the game with Wario.) Meanwhile, Magikoopa agreed to change his name once again to Tiptup for DKR. So, is it true?
Ed "The Legend" Price; the--legend@juno.com

Rare Says:
Tiptup is actually the result of a horrific voodoo curse put on a small Botswanan child caught thieving pies from Abu the Witch Doctor's Offal Shoppe, while Magikoopa did apply for a part in DKR but was tragically crushed under the wheels of a tractor on his way to the interview. Life is full of these brutal little dramas.



Dear Scribes,

I have a question about your site. In forums, there are messages posted from 1997. How can this be if the site just came up a couple days ago? I live in the U.S, was it already up in Britain or something? Also, how come there are no letters here in Scribes? Am I the only one that is writing to you guys?
Rob

Rare Says:
Sorry. We don't really exist, and you're just mental.
...Oh, alright then. The grotty old Forum messages are just the relics of internal site testing before we went online. Exciting, eh? No, you're right. Sorry.



Dear Scribes,
Well, in par with your example message from idiot@irritating.com, here is my engaging and intelligent letter to you:

wassssuppp?!!!?//1 cooudld ouyuou sned em sum info'rmachine abowt teh lendged off zeldaa??1? i no taht u dont mak teh gaem btu sinse u wrok for nintindo i thowt taht u culd sned me sum kule piks bout teh game. im lucing forword too ur rsponse.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thoughtful and interesting message.
hireme@inil.com (And, yes, that IS my real e-mail address)
Rare Says:
leggned off zleda wil oh;pfeuly beout int tiem fo,r crhistsqmas i ohpe yuowill enojy palying iit asm uc\h as i haev enojyde wirtnig abuot i]t ina comadey iddeot fashon# tahnnxxx!!1!!!!1!




I think Goldeneye is one of the best game ever made, but it really lacked blood. Think about it, I shot a Russian with about 50 bullets in the face with 2 RC P90 and it only looked as if he were blushing. Are you ever going to make a game that basically resembles Resident Evil? Gamers want to play a game where you can shoot off someone's head or limbs. When the hell is Nintendo going to realize we want a game that truly deserves an M rating? Anyways, I think your games are excellent but lack blood.
NX Phase (NXPhase@aol.com)
Rare Says:
Good Lord. You're a bit of a psycho, aren't you? (At least you get to dismember giant insects in Jet Force Gemini - hopefully that'll keep you off the streets for a while, you nutcase.)




Hey guys...great site! As good as your games!! I must ask if between web development and game development, when do you guys find the time for a pint or a quick shag?? I would hope these small recreational tokens are still on your priority list...

Sincerely,
salukisst@mci2000.com
Rare Says:
I'm sorry. Nobody here understands either of those terms. Could you convert them into C or Assembler?




Dear Scribes,

Answer me this, why have most Nintendo titles got to be fluffy and cutesy, I am one of the many 30 something's still playing computer and video games and own both a PC and N64 and would love to see a Resident Evil type game on the N64 format.

While I look foward to both Banjo-Kazooie and Conker's Quest because the quality of your releases are always very good, I feel sure it's not the type of game I or anybody my sort of age would choose to play if there was something "more grown up to play".
Antony Grashion (hyundai@globalnet.co.uk)

Rare Says:
Eh? Look at our N64 output so far: KI Gold, Blast Corps, GoldenEye and DKR - hardly a cutesy majority. And you have to understand that while we do appreciate the need for more mature games, there is a huge market for games that cover all age groups. It sounds like corporate fluff, I know, but look at it this way: anyone can play DKR or Banjo-Kazooie and still enjoy it, while younger kids would be hard-pressed to get to grips with GoldenEye - and you don't hear them complaining about it.



Mr. Pants. Keep him. He rukes! (not a typo) You should put him on the cover page or something, and make him take up the entire browser window and have a caption underneath that says "click my pants to enter." Of course.....come to think of it, people might take that the wrong way...
Moop3 (moop3@aol.com)

Rare Says:
Don't give me ideas. I'm already hassling people to do a PaRappa-style game with the stubbornly 2D Mr. Pants flopping all over the place on his hilariously mismatched legs. (It's amazing how many requests I've had to get rid of Mr. Pants because he's so badly-drawn, you know. Even the most basic satire seems to be above some people.)



Dear Scribes,

I just want to tell you guy that this is the greatest video game company web page ever. Unlike some of the other companies, you have realised the potential of the web.

A suggestion: how about a page explaining some of the mysterious stuff from Goldeneye, like the briefcase, or the 24th cheat.

When are we gonna see these games: RC-Pro AM 64, Wizards & Warriors 64, Snake Rattle 'n' Roll 64, and Cobra Triangle 64. Come on everyone loves Cobra Triangle, imagine a 64-bit version with groovy wet looking water. And if you don't have the rights to these games, you should damn well buy them back!

Oh and on the off chance that someone is reading this... I have some more to say! How about writing your own Instruction Booklets and putting something interesting in them. Like interviews, or crazy developer hi-jinx.
alexh@ivanhoe.starway.net.au

Rare Says:
Blimey. Okay, let's see: a mini trivia/rumour FAQ thing for GoldenEye is in the pipeline, so watch for that soon. Cobra Triangle 64? You strange man. And we already have started writing our own instruction booklets, but if we tried to cram in details of all the wacky development pranks we get up to, well hey, it wouldn't fit in the box, we so damn crazy. Interviews are what The Tepid Seat's been set up for, so feel free to send your burning questions that way...



Is it just me or are you guys trying to just mess with me??? Do you alternate from a yellowish font to a white font? Please let me know that I'm not going (more) insane!!
yanketh@visuallink.com

Rare Says:
Changing font colours? What are you talking about? Why would we want to do that? Have you seen a doctor lately? Etc.


Dear Scribes,

Riddle me this, riddle me that...

Rare's last couple of N64 releases have been absolutely fantastic, the perfect mix of fun, frustration and fascination. It surely must take a gargantuan effort, from many talented people to produce games of such constantly high quality.

How is it then, that upon reading your new web page, I get the feeling that any ol' fool or geezer off the street could get a job with you. If this is the case, I would like a highly paid job as a graphic artist, my last art teacher said my finger paintings of "a storm, its a big brown storm, or...or a circle, a messy circle with..." were very good. I even got a smiley stamp.

Aside from taking the ("mickey" - Ed)
out of myself with my wonderful self deprecating humor, I would like to thank you for some of the most fun I have ever had on a console, or computer, or boardgame. Almost as much fun as Omega Race and Gorf.

Thanks.
Julian Emerson-Elliott, Australia (Thanks for the good word on PAL).

Oh, I suppose I'd better put in the mandatory purple prose... You guys are the best. I love youse guys. I play all your games. I only play yourse games corse youse guys are the best. The others are just not, there just pretenders. You the good guys. You the good guys. Thay no good. You good. Youse the best. Yeah... ad nauseum.

Rare Says:
Er, cheers then. Sorry if we sound that desperate on the Recruitment page, but don't let it fool you into thinking that a buoyantly enthusiastic and talented games veteran stands exactly the same chance of getting a job with us as a confused middle-aged pig farmer who tries to make toast in his offspring's N64 (no offence to middle-aged pig farmers, naturally). Just sending in an application doesn't mean you've got the job. Your application could, for instance, be crap. But hey! It's definitely worth trying.

And Gorf's not half as good as Phoenix.



Heya..... Rare guy,

Who is that (insert words of discouragement here) who is constantly using annoying puns?!?!?! Not to offend you, because you guys are like gods to me, and I would gladly sacrifice my own big fluffy sponge cake to please you. But seriously, tell that guy, whats-iz-name, to tone down the puns, please. If you tell me he was pepped up on wacky sauce or a little too close to the paint thinner I would be less upset, but I think he is doing it for no reason.

From the little man whose self-esteem will be dramatically lowered if his e-mail isn't posted by the almighty gods from heaven,
MrUnknown

Rare Says:
What's-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect? What's wrong with my puns? They're great. They add spice to an otherwise drab and wearisome publicity write-up, if you ask me. And they take ages to think up and everything. If you don't like them, you can always go off and, er... have some ham... in, er... in a pun. Or shoot yourself with a big, er, a big pun. See how that works?



Dear RW,

First, hey!!!! kiler instyint ROX!!!!!1!!. Second, what is Conker's Quest going to be like: cartoony (a la DKR), sarcastic and wacky (a la Gex: Enter the Gecko, though I thought it was a tad corny), just plain fun (a la Mario), or other? And can you hint obscurely at any future games (not too obscurely)? Third(?), I love every Rare game I've played and now you have an awesome webpage to back it up (it's better than NOA's, *chortle*). Fourth, make a Blast Corps sequel, and that's an order (just kidding). Fifth, hey!!!! kiler instyint ROX!!!!!1!! Sixth, sorry, I'll quit wasting your time. Seventh, pretend I didn't post the last one or this one, either. Thanks you!

Incoherently yours,
Chad A. (RTQLIT@prodigy.net)

Rare Says:
First, yeh we konw tahnxxx!!1!!1 Second, Twelve Tales: Conker 64 (Conker's Quest having been consigned to the arse end of obscurity) should hopefully bear a marked difference to both the titles mentioned, though we are aiming for an element of mischief to liven it up. Were the Perfect Dark teasers obscure enough for you? Third, tahnxxx!!1!!1 Fourth, alright then. Oh, you're just kidding? Alright, we won't. Make your mind up. Fifth, yeh we konw tahnxxx!!1!!1 Sixth and seventh, I've no idea what you're talking about (wink, nudge).



I like your site's tongue-in-cheek humor. But that line on the Main
Menu about implausibly-endowed women posturing in the gallery...come on. Of course real women look like Orchid or Kim Wu. I see lots of them, all the time. Really. I do believe you've spent too much time making cuddly games like Diddy Kong Racing and Banjo-Kazooie, thus suffering loss of perception orreality. Animals on two legs and wearing clothes, indeed! The Killer Ladiesare much, much more realistic and....
Bdrodman@aol.com

Rare Says:
Going to have to stop you there, old boy. You're on the verge of dissing Pipsy, and obviously we can't be having any of that. Besides, you're clearly off your head.


You clever Scribes you!

Sabrewulf was named after your old Spectrum game! The Klobb was named after Ken Lobb. The RCP-90 was named after the Reality Co-Processor which runs at 90 megahurtz. The AC -10 award was named after the old RPG armor code. My question? Please tell me more useless crossovers. Wait, that's more of a request.
Ed "The Legend" Price; the--legend@juno.com

Rare Says:
You again? You young rascal. There, look - we've named one of the lead characters in Jet Force Gemini after part of your email address. How's that for customer satisfaction? And the Automatic Shotgun in GoldenEye was named after Arnold Utomatic-Shotgun, a long-serving member of the Rare canteen staff. I can't think of any more.