Ask Uncle Tusk: November 29, 1999

Okay, so he might look like a mindless heavyweight killing machine with a penchant for extreme violence. You're just going to judge him by that, are you? Just going to assume he doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body? Well, how do you know he's not just a big kitten underneath all that berserker rage and brutality?

Maybe all he really wants to do is help people face up to their everyday Rare gaming problems, offer them a shoulder to cry on when they're trapped by a time limit or pleading for power-ups. So go on, ask him, he won't bite (and we'll pay for the damage if he does).

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Hello Uncle Tusk!

First of all I wanted to commend you on your new title Jet Force Gemini. I never expected this game to be so captivating and FUN!!!! :) I have been focused on your upcoming PERFECT DARK game and thought that JFG might be a nice interim game to keep me entertained... Well, as I said, it has been a real pleasure to play with one frustrating exception: At this point in time I have nearly completed the game and have retrieved all the spaceship parts and Tribals in all the levels with the exception of the Floyd mission on the SS Anubis.

I have tried this mission at least 50 times now and no matter how fast I seem to finish (best time 1:05:60 I never win anything more than a bronze medal. I did win a Silver medal on one attempt but since then I have bested that time yet only received the Bronze medal?

My question is probably obvious at this point... How the hell do you win the GOLD medal in this mission? What is the winning time to shoot for? The Players Guide says nothing about that. It seems that getting the ear plugs is a vital element to finishing the game yet at this point I feel I am in danger of giving up since I don't seem to be able to get through this level any faster than the best time above no matter how hard I try. Could there be a problem with my game cartridge or something? I consider myself to be resonably proficient at these high speed types of tasks (I beat the Mizar racing game (1st place) on my second attempt.)

Looking forward to your reply.

Thanks a million!

Cheers!

Sincererly,

Rick Vartian

Uncle Tusk replies:
Is that a real name or a 'hip' pseudonym? And who are you trying to be "sincerer" than? Never mind. The SS Anubis Floyd mission is the one aspect of JFG that's bringing in the biggest deluge of mail from cack-handed gaming gibbons such as yourself, so I resigned myself to collaring that designer and making him spill the beans. The official word: you need to shoot for under one minute (using the reactor shortcut helps, in case some of you dunces didn't know it existed) to get Gold and the earplugs for our old mate Ivana... and yes, there is a story behind that name, but none of you would get it so I won't bother.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,


First of all, I'd like to say that Rare did a great job on Goldeneye 007, and it's a game with incredible replay value, and a multiplayer mode that stays fun.

I'd like to know a few things. I've heard rumors and stories, but could you please tell me if they're true? I know the game underwent serious changes, and that there are things in the game that don't seem to have a purpose now. The Dam is the level with the most questions, likely because it had the most changes.

Objective A: Destroy Military Truck, by getting the mines under the door of the guardhouse, near where we install the modem.

Objective B: Neutralize all Alarms (including the one on the island visible with the sniper rifle). You had to get a key from the Russian Commandant, and use the key to get to the boat, and cross the lake to the island. Once there, you could get a Magnum, and a Rocket Launcher.

PLEASE reply, or post the answers!

The Terrorist

Uncle Tusk replies:
You want an answer, do you? I'll get you an answer: as always, our GoldenEye/PD contact is only too happy to oblige. Just don't expect to like it.

"You're making this rubbish up. It's not even good quality rubbish. I have already spent too much of my life on this answer."

I told you.

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Dear Super-Tusk-Man,

It's me, the Non-Demonic DemonChild, Ready to tell you how right You are.

Yes, Identical Twins must have the same color Eyes. Identical Twins must also be the same Gender. Unless Vela's a Man or Juno is a woman, They're Fraternal Twins, Who Don't have to look the same.

On that subject, Juno is a Woman's Name. Juno was the Roman name for the Queen of the Gods. This said, Vela & Juno could be Identical Twin Sisters, Making Jason Hunt Right. Sorry.

Your Everlasting, Friggin' Bone Throwing, Web-Surfin', Non-P.S.-Writing, Arse Kickin', Non-Demonic RareFan,

DemonChild

Uncle Tusk replies:
Why Do you Capitalise random Words? Are you Funny In The head Or something? And Juno is actually named after a satellite, just as Vela and Lupus are named after constellations. Basically we got a big list of Stuff What's In Space and just picked some decent names out of it. Raw design excellence, that is. Oh yeah, cheers for sticking up for us and everything. Great.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

I recently purchased Jet Force Gemini and would appreciate your comments on the following:

I was cruising through the game without any problems until I had to go and find that bloke's pants from the top of the tree! To cut a long story short, I found the bridge and the correct tree and started to climb it only to find that on the third branch my character hits an invisible wall and will not jump any further up the tree... I have consulted various walkthroughs and guides and they all just state that you just jump up the tree... So my question is, to quote the cast of Eastenders, 'Woss goin on?' Since my N64 is functioning perfectly and I am not new to games, and since I am in the right place on the game and know what I need to do, I am left to conclude that this may be a bug in the software? So what are your comments?

Mucho appreciated...
Eddio

Uncle Tusk replies:
Mr. Designer confirms what I thought: "The Pants are on one of the lower branches, and if they're not there then you've probably picked them up and they'll be in your inventory." Best have a look, then, and let me know when it's convenient for me to come round and thump you for wasting my time.

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Dear Mr. Tusk,

You have made me very paranoid after reading your response to the Diddy Conspiracy. The evidence proves that Diddy is a traitor. And you defended him. What does this say? I think we have another traitor, and his name is Tusk. Mr. Bored-Web-Surfer-who-decided-to-get-some-amusement-by-hearing-you-ramble-on
P.S. Eyedol's cooler! We should have Uncle Eyedol!

Uncle Tusk replies:
I've got more intelligence in my arse cheeks than Eyedol has in either of those stupid shrunken heads of his. And the only thing I'm really bothered about defending is my right to ignore hallucinating idiots such as yourself who spend their lives nurturing furry animal political conspiracy theories. Hang on, you're not George Orwell, are you?

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

I recently paid my eight year old cousin to play through JFG for me, but his mother took him home around the time he got to Mizar. Mizar is damned hard! Please help me, you're my last hope!
Sean Milliamson

Uncle Tusk replies:
Hah! You're not fooling anyone. There's nothing especially crap about saying Mizar's hard: if you were the real Williamson, you'd have been more likely to say "that first Soldier Drone is damned hard!" Out-crapping the real thing takes a bit more effort than that, son.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

About 4 months ago, I wrote you a letter asking you a few questions. Well, I finally tore myself away from KI GOLD to read what you had to say. Now I don't expect you to remember it, after all it was about 4 months ago and being bashed around in the head during tournaments can really mess you up. So, here I try to refresh this a little:

1) In response to my question about about the A.I. in KI GOLD being a tad on the cheap side, you said I was a soft ponce. Well, I expected the characters of KI GOLD to be more of a soft ponce after all the blocking they did on the hardest level, and it's slightly disappointing when there's more blocking than fighting going on, don't you agree? I've broke more blood blisters than I care to count. Like an apple, after so many hits you eventually loosen up, usually bruised, but the A.I. can be incredible and block everything forever! Hell, that's what it's for, right?

2) In response to my question about the characters being out of balance, you said I was talking out of my "arse". I think my words would be a bit more flatulent sounding if that were the case. Why does Sabrewolf have a counter for every move I can do with Jago, Orchid, Your image or just about any other character except Sabrewolf? Try playing a match with my friend. You be, well, Tusk, and he can be Sabrewolf. He'll kick your ass, I guarantee it. Then I'll laugh you all way back to your cave. By the way, the rock-paper-scissors fighting system is a cool idea, but hard pressed to work on the N64. More blood blisters.

3) In response to my questions about KI3, you told me to stop and that it wasn't big or clever. Well, I missed something somewhere, because I was actually looking for some info on a game I would desperately like to see. I thought you could enlighten me, but like KI GOLD, you're not much more than a grumbling windbag on this particular subject. I won't ask again, ok? Still though, wipe the drool from lips as I imagine what it could be like... after all, isn't that what pansies do? Endure servitude to a soft ponce? You're a womanly figure of a man, and please forgive me for the grave comparison, ladies.

4) About the old man in training mode, so you beat him silly, and that answers why he tolerates the other characters, but just who the hell is he? One of those fabled monks who locked Gargos away? The original dude who started the tournament in Ultratech? Some other pansy in your class whom you knew you could whip?

5) I see you stated that Jago's "...just as soft..." as me. Well, his ultra combo in both versions I played are far more brutal than yours. And when I pull one off, there's no regrets, just a feeling the job's been done. I guess to someone who continually screams "dah" or "rah" or some such nonsense during an entire match, it would appear soft. Until, that is, you experience it yourself... no emotion when winning a match. It's more brutal than anything you can come up with. Thanks for coming out, but you better go back to bed, that's where you're safest.

6) Why should I give Gargos a break? If he's been trapped for 2000 years, then Eyedol's been trapped even longer. Do the math... oops! Sorry! Math's a bit too complicated for you. Let me explain: If KI GOLD takes place before KI, then it was in the past. That's 2000 years for Gargos and 2000 years for Eyedol. Okay, when you actually look at the timeline, KI is in the future, so we add more years. Let's say, another 2000 years. Okay, so when you actually fight Gargos (the weak pansy) he's been trapped for 2000 years. When you actually fight Eyedol, he's been trapped for 2000 plus 2000 years, making that 4000 years! So shouldn't Eyedol have been weaker than Gargos? Figure it out. Looks like you're talking out of your "arse" now.

By the way, don't get me wrong, I enjoy many of RARE's titles on the N64 and some of the up and coming ones that are coming out. I still believe that KI GOLD is the most logical sequel to KI for home systems. It still has the best graphics, sound and fighting engine for any game on the N64 today. It is definitely one of the most enjoyed games as well as a prime frustration source for me.

But all in all, your character stinks. Sheer muscle, no speed or finesse. Definitely a no-brainer for people who are imagination-challenged. On top of it all, his Ultra just bites. You need a good skull cracking to see that there's more to the game than what his limitations are. Perhaps a good wind kick to the head would do the trick. Then again, your skull may even be too thick for that. I'd call on the spirit of the tiger, but uhh, well, you know what happened with that one.

I look forward to what you have to retaliate with. Enjoy.
Jeff C

Uncle Tusk replies:
1) Sorry for making the game challenging. If only you'd written in sooner, we could have squeezed in an AI-free 'Dunce Mode' at the last minute.

2) It helps to be able to spell Sabrewulf before you make a big show of kicking his "ass". Which is easy enough, as it happens - you just wazz on a tree beforehand, then kick the stupid sod's muzzle off when he can't resist running over to have a quick sniff.

3) I can't help having such beautifully rounded and imposing pecs. Can't you work out why I didn't have anything to tell you about KI3? That's right, you cheeky chappie! There's no such thing. (Slap.)

4) Yeah, he's a monk. Probably. Yeah. I don't know, he seemed to have more idea of what he was doing than the rest of the idiots who turned up wanting their teeth kicked in, so we just humoured him.

5) No. Only nonces think that showing no emotion after totally pasting someone is 'cool'. It's far more natural to do the big muscle-flexing thing and go "Rar" (and I'm not talking little flying robots here).

6) I'm afraid it's still you with the chatty rectum. However, people are bound to spend ages mulling over your half-baked theory and hassling me with their own ludicrous suggestions, so I may have to kill you for starting something you're unable to finish.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

All right, here's the deal. I've gotten all the Tribals, all the keys, all the spaceship parts (other than the stabilizer), and most of the weapons. Yet when I talk to King Jeff, he still says "Yes indeed! You're making real progress now. Just a few more pieces to go." I've looked at all the walkthroughs, read IGN's thing, and according to all of them, I should be done. What's wrong? Is my copy of the game defective?
PhReaKy D. MoNKeY

Uncle Tusk replies:
Are you absolutely sure you've got all the Tribals? Because it sounds as if that's where your problem lies. Either that or Jeff's gotten himself roaring drunk after that little faux pas on Tawfret and decided to take out his worldly frustrations by messing with your head. Which is fair enough, after all.

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All hail Tusk!

Okay, I'm stuck in mission number... 3 in Perfect Dark. I always turn that corner about half way through the level and there are about 6... soldiers waiting for me. Normally, I could handle that but I'm running low on... ammo for my, uh... gun. So, how do I get out.
Matt Plunk

Uncle Tusk replies:
I'm tempted to offer a completely serious response just to see how many "were did taht mat pulnk guy get a coppy off pd!!!1!" letters turn up over the next few days, but I just know it'd stop being funny after the first couple of hundred.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

All right, I know I'm horribly old-fashioned but I cannot find the second secret barrel in the Tundra Blunda level of the Blackforest Plateau World of Donkey Kong Land III. Please help; I'm losing my sanity!
Dooltle19@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies:
Astonishingly, the team responsible not only remembers the bit you're talking about but is even prepared to answer you, in spite of that telling email address:

"First secret barrel is found just to the left of your start postion, use Dixie to spin across the gap. The second barrel is found before the halfway point. When you come across the first Knick-Knack, jump on him and then spin across (with Dixie) to the left - if you do this correctly you will hit a hidden barrel."

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Hey, Tusk -

Let's skip the formalities. ^_^ I have two questions I need answering, both about Jet Force Gemini.

1 - Okay, I've beaten the game and collected 300 Ant Heads to get all the useless (but) cool cheats. Are there any REAL, USEFUL cheats like Invincibility and All Weapons, etc like there was in GoldenEye? Or am I just popping those poor Tribals for their heads for nothing? Hehehe...

2 - WHERE can I get a Jet Force Gemini soundtrack?! I'm a BIG game music fan, and there is almost NO good N64 music at all besides JFG's. The BEST music is on the PSX with Final Fantasy VII and VIII and what not, but I've fallen in love with JFG's music and I must have it. Where can I get it and how much does it cost?!

Oh yeah, and one more thing - I'd just like to tell the JFG Team that they did a great job on the game, but that I will forever condemn their very souls for making ANYONE fight the final Mizar. That electric attack is just not right. ;)
Ranma

Uncle Tusk replies:
1) Rainbow Blood isn't useful? Better keep hammering away at those Tribal heads for the amazing KI-crossover 'Tribals into Eyedols' cheat, then, hadn't you? Yes, of course I'm lying, you spanner.

2) The publishing of a soundtrack depends on demand. Basically everyone agrees with you that it's one of our best efforts to date, but production and merchandising is entirely Nintendo's 'bag'. We'll keep you posted.

As for Mizar's electric attack, the JFG team thrive on that sort of thing... a bunch of vicious sods after my own heart.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

So is this new Mickey's Racing Adventure game the Gran Turismo killer we've heard about for so long? With 5 cars available, you've got a ways to catch up, but earning money to upgrade the vehicles is a nice feature. I also like the multi-genre action!

On a personal note, Mr. Tusk, how do you feel knowing that this got made and KI3 hasn't?

Affectionately yours,
K-dog

Uncle Tusk replies:
Fine by me. The more time passes with no sign of KI3, the more outrage blossoms in the camp of the unreasoning KI fanatics and the more amusement I derive from it. Let's see what the MRA team have to say about your incisive comments:

"Yes it is the best racing game with Mickey Mouse in. So it could be a Gran Turismo killer. If that game had Mickey in as well."

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Cher Oncle Tusk,

In regards to the question about Vela's clothing, I do think your answer was a bit disingenuous. Juno is a female name, after all, and this "twins" nonsense is just a transparent charade. They're obviously a lesbian couple, with Juno preferring a more butch role and Vela a more femme role (but still with big guns!), and dressing accordingly. And it's not like Juno's body armor does all that great a job of masking "his" breasts.

Excellent game, by the way.

David Carlton

Uncle Tusk replies:
I see a new 'theory' has implanted itself into the consciousness of a nation. Great. And what role does Lupus play in all this, dare I ask? No, don't tell me - he's a Jinjo.

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Hi Uncle Tusk,

I've been playing Goldeneye: 007 for a little while and I had a question about multiplayer. It has come to my attention that for some reason I can't play anything BUT the basic levels in 4 player mode while in 2 and 3 player mode I can. My friends tell me there's something wrong with my game and they can. Should I be worried about some glitch in my game or are they mistaken? I haven't seen them play the extended levels in 4 player mode but they tell me it can be done. Please get back to me :)

Jeffrey "JohannesK" Santos

Uncle Tusk replies:
Designer Boy says: "You are quite rightly suspicious of your friends. They are lying to you. Your cart is working correctly - you should not be able to access all of the levels in 4-player. This is due to us locking off the levels that were too slow when four people were running around shooting at each other. However, I recommend that you tell your friends that you HAVE been able to do this. Affect an eager and believeable manner while telling them. Then sit back and watch the fun. Resist the temptation to change your story at all costs."

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Dearest Rare,

My question concerns Jet Force Gemini. I purchased this great game a few weeks ago and played through it to its fullest extent... I think. Anyway, I am now in the process of handing over the reigns to a friend but I can't seem to erase the stored data! All of the cheats and bonus levels and even the opening title screen stay even after you erase all of your game data! Is there a anyway to erase it?!?! I'm sure it's possible but if it isn't I think that this is a definite game flaw. If someone wanted to take part in the whole experience that is Jet Force Gemini it would certainly detract from the overall game if the cheats are already unlocked. Please help me if you can! Or if anyone else knows how to do it contact me at
fern5000@hotmail.com. Thank you!

Ferny

Uncle Tusk replies:
Nope, don't think you can erase the secret stuff once it's been unlocked. I don't know, the team work hard to provide you with an easy way of showing off your gaming prowess to any slack-jawed hippy acquaintance that happens to wander in as you fire up the game, and all you can do is complain. Get your friend to buy his own copy if he's that bothered, the tightarsed get.

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Hello Tusk,

I felt the need to write you tonight simply because I had a few interesting questions to ask and because I have something to apologize for. First, the apology: on behalf of the literate American public, I apologize for the hundreds upon hundreds of illiterate, know-nothing American Rare video game patrons who feel the need to write in. I'm sorry that they try to use British humor. I'm sorry that they ask idiotic questions about beta copies of Goldeneye and especially the very, VERY dumb questions about watching James Bond movies after playing through the game using nothing but the secret explosive toe weapons that require a Game Shark to get. I apologize for pathetic Goldeneye players who feel the need to write in and brag how they beat this level or that level and can kill all their friends and such. I apologize that you still get so much mail about Goldeneye in general. (I'm sure you're sick of that by now... If you're not quite tired of it, however, I apologize for apologizing for that.) I apologize about everything that you have to put up with from some citizens of this country, including claiming that words with unique British spellings are mispelled... I know that all of this incites you to violence, but rest assured: they'll all be dealt with once I assume control. Heh heh heh.

Anyway, on to my questions. Enjoy.

1) Perfect Dark has been delayed. I don't mind. The upcoming Turok: Rage Wars has a feature that I am rather intrigued by: statistic tracking in the multiplayer mode. Once I heard of it, I began to wonder what my stats would look like in Goldeneye had it had a lifetime stat-tracking option. (You surely didn't think you could get a letter that DIDN'T mention Goldeneye, did you?) In all seriousness, and not intending to brag, but I would probably be around 1,000-1500 kills to 15-25 deaths. (Yes, if you think about it, my total number of kills seems rather low, but my friends [and several strangers who I have played] refuse to play against me again once I deal them quick 30-1 or 30-0 defeats...) Although I admittedly am not a programmer (yet), it seems simple to implement an option that keeps track of basic stats such as kills, deaths, favorite stage and weapon, and the like. Is there a slim chance that this option (or something similar) may be implemented?

2) Do you all play video games other than the ones you're working on? What are some of the Rare staff's favorite games?

2a) Do you all like multiplayer games? How often do spontaneous bouts of Super Smash Bros., Mario Party, BattleTanx, and (heaven forbid) Goldeneye crop up when you're away from the office? What are some of your favorite multiplayer games?

3) Is there any chance that, without me coming to work for Rare, I could ever get to play a few multiplayer bouts of Goldeneye (or perhaps, Perfect Dark) against Rare staffers? I'd just like to see how badly I'd get my rear end kicked by the programmers and everyone even though I'm probably rather good at multiplayer, considering my record...

4) Uncle Tusk, you stated in October 12's "Ask Uncle Tusk" that you have never received a good letter. What exactly would a good letter be like? I wish to know so that at some point in the future I can send you a good letter. (Give me a serious answer, please.)

Well, thank you for taking the time to read all of my questions. Hopefully they will see the light of day sometime in the "Ask Uncle Tusk" section and come complete with a shiny new set of answers attached to them.
MK5252@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies:
Seeing as you mentioned PD, I think I can justify badgering the PD designer into answering most of this lot. And even if I can't, I don't care. Just bear in mind these are his personal answers.

"1) Yup.

"2) Yup. Favourites include FF7, FF8, Halflife, Metal Gear Solid, GranTurismo...

"2a) Yup. Frequently. EAW, Freespace, Red Alert, SSB..." (And elsewhere in the company, rowdy multiplayer clashes in Smash Bros., Mario Party and even the odd manky wrestling effort aren't totally unheard of.)

"3) Yup, though because it relies on you entering the social circle of a 'Rare Staffer' (tricky because many of us don't have what you'd call big social lives), the chance is actually so miniscule it can't be measured. So nope, then."

4) You can't send me a good letter. Just seeing the stupid, badly-spelt subject headings piled up in my mailbox every morning sends me straight into a filthy mood, so you don't stand a chance of starting off on a good footing. Who ever said the world was fair, fat boy?

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

I am having trouble in JFG. First of all, the "secret" levels that I have accessed are Water Ruin (which is beautiful I might add), Gem Quarry, and Walkway. Puh-Lees tell me if there are others, and how to get them. Also, where do you get the earplugs? Thank you and I would really appreciate it if you responded to me ASAP, for I am not the patient type. =)

Adam Cohen

Uncle Tusk replies:
You'll learn to be patient if you don't want your ears torn off. Here's an answer from the
JFG designer:

"The only other 'secret' levels are the Spacestation and the Asteroid, I'm not going to tempt the inevitable derision of explaining the existence of new areas on old levels... 'moan, moan, tedious backtracking... moan, moan...' etc."

You can reach the Spacestation from Goldwood and the Asteroid from Mizar's Palace, while the earplugs come with a Gold award from the SS Anubis Floyd mission - piece of cake, that one.

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Dear Uncle Tusk,

I've decided that all of this taunting of "mutant kitty" and "radioactive catastrophe" has got to stop. It's hurt my feelings and I'm not sure what to do. I'm coming home for some TLC and have a present for you. I've brought Tiptup and Cranky Kong! They are in a plastic baggie right now, and want to get out. Be careful when you hug me though, because you might turn yellow with magenta polka dots and would have to go to the hospital. Then Tiptup and Cranky Kong would need to host your column.

Your beloved Kitty,
Sniffles

Uncle Tusk replies:
That would be... unfortunate. Better chuck them in the river on your way past. But hang on, Sniffles - has all this radioactive business done anything for your mucus problems and moulting? If not, you can bloody well stay away from here because I'm not having a mangy 200-foot snot monster coming and dropping five-stone fleas all over the living room carpet. Why don't you go and stay with Auntie Gertie for a while? She's off her head anyway, so it wouldn't seem particularly out of the ordinary to her. I'll bring you round a nice bag of shark heads when Maya's not looking. Promise.

Scribes: November 10, 1999

Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We may even find a chim-a-nee sweep to respond.
Updated completely irregularly!


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What's a couple of weeks between Scribes? Not nearly long enough, that's what.

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Hi there ya Brit,

I'm going to put numbers beside my comments/questions so I can keep track.

1. First off, I was just checking out the FAQ. I think it's nice that you guys let people use your pictures on their own web sites as long as they respect your copyrights.

2. Who the heck wrote the FAQ?... They actually respect the developers, games and fans. I never thought I'd see that on a Rareware site.

3. What the heck is with the cheats in JFG. There better be more then 3. Sure the Mr. Pants cheat is one of the best cheats of all time. But that still doesn't let you off the hook with only 3 cheats. There better be Unlimited Ammo and Invincibility in there somewhere!

4. Thanks for making earn the cheats rather then putting in some lame-ass code.

5. Thanks for keeping so many of the cool things about this game a secret.

6. Wouldn't it make more sense to call him Mr. Nopants. Just look and him!!!... HE HAS NO PANTS!!!
Flyersfan
P.S. I can't wait for your first Dolphin game.

I'm not going to number my answers, because I'd rather squash them all together in a big bunch to upset your obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Jet Force isn't exactly short on cheeky secret goodies - as the designer puts it, "Mr. Pants is the last word in cheats, there is tons of hidden stuff, and youmust be a gibbon to need Invincibility and Infinite Ammo." As for the FAQ, its very purpose is to clarify popular issues and forestall the most commonly-asked questions in as polite a way as possible (if only that worked in practice as well as it does in theory). And Mr. Pants - au contraire, sir, he's wearing nothing but pants (and a bowler hat, though Mr. Hat is about as catchy as Mr. Shoes), so the name is only logical. It's Mr. Trousers that wouldn't have made sense.

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Dear Blue Background:

So, assuming that Donkey Kong 64 will be long out, out, or almost out when the next Scribes roll around, I can finally end my five year long anticipation binge. Which makes me happy on one front, and sad on the other. Seeing how the anticipation gave me something to garp about seemingly means my garping days are over for a long time. Now that Donkey Kong 64 is out I might as well trash my Nintendo 64, seeing how I bought the system almost three years for the sole purpose of a Donkey Kong Country 64 game. Unless you make a Donkey Kong 64 2 to combat the evil ritualistic Pokemon that has engulfed the weakest of children over here in the Americas. But seeing how you are too busy with those Disney games at the time being, I guess we won't be seeing a Donkey Kong specific game from Rare until near the end of the Dolphin's life. So I'll prematurely open the gates of Hell now.


1: How many levels are in "Donkey Kong Dolphin?"

2: Will Dixie and Kiddy be in "Donkey Kong Dolphin" as playable characters?

3: Will "Donkey Kong Dolphin" feature full co-op support?

4: When is the estimated "Donkey Kong Dolphin" release date?

5: Will you go edgy and push "Donkey Kong Dolphin" towards a teen rating?

6: And is full fecal flinging FINALLY a possibillity in "Donkey Kong Dolphin?"


Of course, you could try and tell me that "Donkey Kong Dolphin" is not in development, which would lead me to pet my rifle, back and forth, weeping into darkness...
SirSlush2@aol.com

No faith, that's your problem. DK will be long out by the next Scribes, indeed. Hrrmph.

The Disney deal doesn't preclude all other games on our part, you know, and neither (contrary to popular rumour) does the number of games involved go into double figures. We've got more than enough teams available to handle a whole range of projects, as always. And while nothing's been said as yet, there's a fair chance of DK and the gang cropping up on Nintendo's next machine at some point, so feel free to pick up the reins of your obsession and carry on where you left off even as you devote months of your life to taming the almighty behemoth that is DK64...

* * *

Dear Scribes,

While I eagerly await Monday (or Tuesday depending on shipment punctuality) to play Jet Force Gemini for untold hours, I read the review NextGen magazine has (as they are probably the most objective source in the media). It appears that the basic gripe that the reviewer has is that JFG is TOO LONG. what?! WHAT?! No one has EVER said a game worth playing is too long, it isn't possible, you never say "dang, if only there was less of this game, I wish I didn't have anything to come back to later! Stupid replay value! Damn more game for my money! Freakin' able to always come back for more!" Ahem... anyway, I would guess the reviewer was just scared of Floyd and his "Rar"ing. Bravo for making a game impossibly long on a "limited cart-based system". I nervously look forward to it.
ExoByte

Yep. It's "too long" and there's "too much gameplay", apparently. To this day we can't work out how the various worldwide Testing departments managed to miss such glaring flaws. Still, the majority of reviews have been overwhelmingly positive, so you never know, we might still get away with it. (Sigh.)

* * *

Dear Sirs,

Could you add in Mr. Pants as an unlockable multiplayer character in Perfect Dark? PLEASE. You could make him two dimensional so that he can only be shot whilst looking directly at you or kind of to the side. I could imagine countless fun hours of running through crossfire (as Mr. Pants) and not being hit. My competitors would only see a thin black line floating by. Come on, imagine the possibilities! I figured that since you guys are taking a few more months to bring the pak to our sweaty palms that you might as well add him in. No 3-D rendering is required! 2-D! PLEASE. Thank you.
Jeff McD

P.S. I wonder if it would be possible to import him through GB Camera?
P.P.S. Are you delaying it because the Transfer Pak won't be out by Christmas or just for the reason that a few features need to be tweaked?
P.P.P.S. I have a Japanese GB64 Pak that came with the ORIGINAL Pokemon Stadium.
P.P.P.S. #2. ARSE BiScUiTs!!!! (Just a little insurance to get this letter printed.)

I told you I'd been hassling people to spread the word of Mr. Pants. Look, Designer Boy's almost succumbed to the pressure:

"Don't believe for one minute that this hasn't been thought of already. However, I will not go so far as to confirm or deny anything beyond the consideration of the idea. Given the highly special nature of the character, if it was included in the game as a reward, it would have to be as difficult to obtain as the invincibility was in GoldenEye...

"And I refuse to comment on other people's arse biscuits."

* * *

Dear Editor, Person or thing,

I was wondering why in Donkey Kong 64 you replaced Kiddy a fairly likeable character, for Chunky Kong presumably a ugly-type character. Moving boulders wouldn't be a problem for Kiddy. Now on to Dixie, why did you replace this character (that has starred in 2 games) for a miserable character like Tiny? If Dixie crouched down a bit she could fill in for Tiny. The world does crave for new stuff but isn't a bit of tradition good for a game?! (Boy I wonder if you like reading junk like this?)

From a Rare fan,

PPJ

It's all to do with new blood, something of a tradition in the DK series. We happen to think that DK64's mix of old (DK, Diddy, Funky, Cranky etc.) and new (Tiny, Chunky, Lanky) is pretty balanced - there'd have been plenty of complaints if we simply hadn't bothered bringing a few new Kongs to the fold. Besides, you can't really decide that a character's "miserable" until you've played through the game with them, can you? Bet you didn't like Kiddy until you started to get into DKC3...

I couldn't possibly like reading "junk like this" as much as I like reading junk like the letter below.

* * *

Dear Scribes,

Why is everyone at rareware useless at making games. I bet Nintendo are wishing they never agreed to let you develop games for their machine. Your the cause of Nintendo's downfall and Sony's uprise, because you are incapable of releasing a game on time.

Don't give none of that quality crap. You sit on your big fat arses drinking weak tea and biscuits, you bunch of old grannies. Put this on your web site and let everyone know the truth. Thank you.
From a very concerned person

And who are we to argue? Looks like it's the end of the line for Rare now that the truth is out. You're right to be concerned if we're all useless and everything bad that happens is our fault. Sorry, everyone. I'm going to have to make my tea even weaker now because I'm feeling so fragile.

* * *

Hideee Ho,

I've been playing JFG for over a week now, and apart from loving it (another quality title - good work fella), I was interested to know whether the Widescreen option just squashes the image or actually expands the viewing angle and lets you see more on the edge of the screen? If so, looks like a new T.V. is on the cards, Doh! I mean Wohoo! Also I must give a special shout to the sound on JFG, absolutely amazing, the Dolby surround kicks the proverbial ass. More of it please. Will DK64 and PD have Dolby surround and Widescreen support?

Love to stay and chat some more but Tribal hunting I must go...
Bobby Dazzler

Official word from the JFG team is that yes, the Widescreen option does expand the viewing angle. No confirmation as yet on widescreen support for the other two games you mention, but Dolby Surround's a cert. Big posh tellies all round, everyone! Huzzah!

* * *

Dear, eh, damnit... I can't think of a witty name!!!!!

Anyway, I wrote this letter because I am interested in the requirements you have for posting a letter on Scribes. I have noticed all the nonsense splattered across this page and letters which have no meaning whatsoever posted on this site, however, you claim that you only stick up these letters if they are "coherent." It is difficult to tell when you witty Brits are sarcastic, so I'm e-mailing you. Here are a few of the many possible reasons you bother posting a message:

1. You actually enjoy your job, reading e-mails and replying with humorous glee and an edge of sarcasm. Perhaps you just like reading these e-mails and thinking to yourself "Another letter from the idiotic masses! I simply relish the fact that I know how stupid these people really are! Muhuhuhahaha!!!!"

2. You like having the satisfaction of publishing someone's letter to the web and knowing that you make a little Christmas for them every time you put their e-mail out for everyone to see. (I doubt this one, knowing you are such a sinister fiend.)

3. You find these e-mails insightful and have something to relate to them. You look at these letters and think "You know what, they're right," or, "Nah, that's the biggest bunch of sh*t I've ever heard. I think I will counter it and prove how much I know."

4. You randomly choose messages and divide them up into two groups: The ones over 20 words go into the normal Scribes, and the others are placed into Snippets, whether they have good content or not.

5. You check the punctuation and grammar of the letter and insure that it states a point and has an inner meaning... eh, maybe not...

Well, I hope you post this on Scribes and let me call all my friends together to show them that I actually had my letter posted on Rareware.com and the infamous video gaming company made fun of me. I noticed that one of my earlier letters that made sense was simply sent right back to me and then saw the Snippets section... This leads me to believe that you only read every other e-mail, seeing as none of the Snippets have anything to say. I guess you just find them funny or something, you sick man you.

And now I will close, paying my respects to Rareware and completing my discussion by saying one word: Arse.
Patrick Mundy

There are no 'requirements' for getting into Scribes (which isn't really that much of an honour anyway, let's face it), so with regard to your categories it's basically a case of 'all of the above'. Yes, coherence helps, as do originality and something resembling a sense of humour. Being relevant isn't essential. That'd just make things boring. I know it feels good to get your views aired in public, so I try to cram as much stuff in there as I can while keeping the whole page interesting for everyone else. And one last thing: if you've got a question to ask, bear in mind that I'll have to try and wheedle the answers out of the relevant people, so don't even bother with stuff you know won't be divulged.

What's that? Make fun of you? Alright... er... you smell.

* * *

Dear person who works at Rare who reads this,

I know you said that Cranky is DK's father, but I have an idea, I have an idea. When DK was really young, something happened to his parents, so Cranky, DK's Grandfather decided to be DK's father, so he would have one, then Cranky told him when he got older. But he wasn't as Cranky then, he got Cranky when he changed his name to Cranky. And why are all the Kongs in DKC3 wearing pants, the only ones that aren't are
DK, and Diddy, but they're barely in it. And the Kremlings aren't wearing any clothes. What happened? Did some of the Kremlings get Klump, and Krusha fired, so they stole all their pants, and the only way they would give them back was for K. Rool to hire them again, and that happened after DKC3? No, I have a better idea, Mr. Pants felt sorry for the Kongs, and stole all the Kremlings' clothes, luckily K. Rool's wife knew how to sew, and made him a Dr.'s suit. And what ever happened to her? Did she die or something? And when you said all the Kongs would be in DK64 did you mean Bluster, the guy who owns the barrel factory in the DKC show, and do you have a picture of him? One more thing, is that one Kremling that wears a jacket, Krunch? It looks like him a lot. One more thing, this is really the last, what is the name of that blue Kremling with a jacket on?

Devin529@aol.com

We didn't say that all the Kongs were going to be in DK64, and we certainly didn't say that we were going to include non-Rare characters from the TV show such as this so-called Bluster. Pant-wearing policy within the Kong clan seems to be a fairly radical "if you can be bothered" sort of affair, and we don't even know if K. Rool has a wife, so it strikes us a bit weird to be fretting over what's happened to her. Oh, and the big blue Kremling (assuming you mean the one in the screenshots) apparently goes by the name of Kasplat. How's that for service, eh?

* * *

Dear Scribes,


JFG is a superb game. One question though. When I heard that the chief bad guy's name was Mizar, I thought it sounded perfect as an evil king type person. A few days later it hit me. Prince Caspian's uncle in The Chronicles of Narnia was an evil tyrant called Miraz. Did the name, perchance, stem from that fictional character?
Samir Rahman

Er... no. It's just the name of a star, man - a star which happens to have a twin star named Alcor, who was going to make an appearance as Mizar's comedy drunken general before we decided that perhaps this wasn't such a great idea after all.

* * *

Dear Scribes,

I am just writing in to confirm something that both I myself and a fellow Scribe have noticed. [The fellow Scribe being the long-named "Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie (Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)"]

She spake thus, saying: "Floyd looks like an arse with tail lights."

Yes! She's right! And so am I! I am even working on a whole designer range of panties and pants featuring the evil arse-droid Floyd, for the use of such people as Mister Pants and Mrs Pie.

Also, to allow for people like Ms Dark, Orchid, and Uncle Tusk on Saturdays who wear top-body undergarments too, there will also be an exciting range of Floyd "Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder" brassieres and corsets.

Please print this letter - I believe that through this innovation I am well nigh one step away from Ms Karen in New York and messieurs Gaultier et al in gaye Paree.
Cdvile
PS Would you like me to send you a concept picture of the J.F.G-string I have planned? Enough to make the eyes water, my dears!

Why would the endlessly talented Mr. Pants and his good lady friend need to rely on any third parties to design their kegs for them? Anyway, such natural modelling chic would simply overshadow anything developed for the mass market. And as far as I know, Floyd's rectal resemblance is purely accidental - if any of us had noticed it before, he could have taken an active role in the top comedy pointlessness that is Ants Into Pants mode.

* * *

Dear Scribes,

I dragged my arse all the way over to Twycross, and I managed to catch a glimpse of Mr. Pants' house, right next to Rare HQ. I met THE Mr. Pants and Mrs. Pie AND I got to have some huckleberry pie. If you don't believe me, then just look at the photo I've attached to this letter.

Mr. Pants also told me about Arsebolts 64, a REAL video game that he caught you making. You really thought you could cover it up, didn't you? I saw all of those Arsebolt enemies, and the Captain Knacker at the end of the game.

Mrs. Pie, on the other hand, makes one hell of a pie. I think she makes it from arse, though, because there were some crusty spots.
SirNick5@AOL.com

P.S. And Mr. Pants also showed me some of the love letters that you wrote to him.

I feel embarrassed answering letters about the criteria for getting into Scribes when I don't think twice about printing stuff like this.

* * *

Dear Scribes,

I might have guessed that your favourite T.S. Eliot poem would have been one that begins "When the evening is spread out across the sky / Like a patient etherised upon a table." Well, all right then, I'll give the conversion of "The love song of Alfred. J. Prufock" a go:

---

The Love Song of Chris T. Allcock (With apologies to T. S. Eliot)
(A.K.A Visit to Twycross)

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a designer curled up around a workstation.
Let us go, through Leicester's half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of tester's nights in one-night cheap hotels.
And grimy pubs with beery-smells.
Zoos that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
"When is Banjo-Tooie coming out?"
Oh, do not ask "When is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.
In the canteen testers come and go
Talking of Donkey Kong being slow.

(At this stage, the length of the poem will have lulled the average AOL user to sleep, and so the poet feels he can safely skip the rest of the poem. Let's face it, T.S. Eliot was completely out of his face.)

---

No, that's no good, I'm admitting defeat. You cad. How can I get revenge...? I know: Questions! Hee hee hee...

1) Can we have an official Rareware Discussion Forum, please? That way all of the babbling fools (like the ones that write poems) can post to the forum instead of bothering you, and putting Scribes down to a handy five letters a month. Hmm... now that I think about it, that's the electronic equivalent of locking them all in a room with big sticks. Except even more fun to watch.

2) Have you any idea of the arse-related madness you have started? I've seen literally eight suggestible Americans gratuitously signing letters with "Arse". You've handed them OUR secret word on a platter! Oh well, it's not too bad - we can fall back on our emergency supply of words that they'll NEVER understand - 'sod', 'chimney', 'satire' and 'speaking quietly'. I'm in trouble now...

3) Do you think that keypress cheats gradually being phased out (by Rare and by other companies) in favour of secrets, task-based rewards and Easter Eggs is a good thing or a bad thing? Discuss. (Sorry, but it's getting near to exam time.)

4) What CD's of Rare music have been produced ("Killer Cuts", etc) and where can I get them?

5) Why is it that you don't get your face mapped into GoldenEye, but Mr Pants gets his own cheat mode? I certainly hope that you got credited as "Assistant Artist" or something.

6) Any chance of putting all of the forum entries into a long html file (using the "cut and paste" feature, don't panic) so that I can read them all without running up a huge phone bill? Get someone on Work Experience to do it or something.

Anyway, have a great Christmas and I look forward to reading this in the new Millenium, when Scribes is posted.

(It's funny, because when I read back over my questions it never sounds to me like I've been particularly sarcastic - no, what am I talking about? Of course it does.)

Regards,
Chris Allcock

TS Eliot was so far out of his tree, he could probably have climbed back into it from the other side. It'll be a long time before anyone can match his raw poetic fruitiness - but nice try all the same. Oh, bugger. You've got questions.

1) No no no - get away to Usenet with your rec.games.video.rare and all the uncensored swearing and garbled insanity that'd come with it. Scribes might be crap, but at least it's monitored crap.

2) Hey, any arse publicity is good arse publicity. And I hope you're not suggesting that Dick Van Dyke's boisterous Cock-a-nee accent in Mary Poppins was anything less than 100% authentic.

3) We've found that keypress cheats don't work too well without a keyboard. Haha.

4) Well, there's Killer Cuts, of course, and then there's... er... the original DKC one, and the new DK64 one, and they've also been produced for KI Gold, Banjo and DKR... oh yeah, and some Blast Corps 'choons' were featured on a multi-game "Best of N64" type CD soon after the system was released. As for getting hold of them, check with Nintendo because we haven't got a ruddy clue.

5) Mr. Pants is far more of a celebrity than I'll ever be, and rightfully so.

6) We don't do the work experience thang, and I'm too busy setting up violent staff member pratfalls for use in the Rare newsletter caption competition to be concerned with such frivolities.

* * *

Dear Scribes,

Geeyod I love JFG! All the excitement of collecting those furry Tribals (which by their actions and the need to be collected, I have determined that they MUST have evolved from Jinjos, and Jeff from Mumbo) and then killing those nasty ants! ¡Squash! Ugh, now I have to clean my shoes, those are some BIG nasty ants! And then my little TANK DOG! Roof! Yip! Awrooo! Go Lupus! And Vela! Swim! Don't breathe, just swim! Who needs that lousy air? Not you! And Juno! Uh, yeah, Juno... You have a woman's name! Go JUNO!

Whoever designed the Water Ruin, please thank them for me. If anything I have ever seen in a game that could be called beautiful, that was it. The sky, the water, the ruins of the castle (even the skull hearth) all of that touched me like no other image has. (I think it might be because I had dreams about a place like that for a week straight about a month ago...) Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the Water Ruin.
Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie
(Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)

I forwarded your praise onto the JFG team, and word from the designer suggests that "the artist concerned is deeply moved". Ahhhh. However, I really think we should nip those Tribal evolution theories in the bud right now before we bring chaos and ruin down upon ourselves - as if the whole 'Mumbo is a Jinjo/woman/Kremling' thing wasn't bad enough...

And how do you know that it wasn't the Queen of the Roman Gods who had a man's name, eh?

* * *

Dear evil murderous Kong-killers,

You B#!@"$(s! You, You killed her! YOU KILLED WRINKLY KONG! And you gave her a sex change too! Why? What did she ever do to you eh? All she wanted to do was live her life like a normal ape, doing Kongy type-stuff like exercising and building her collection of Banana Birds. You're SICK you are. I hope all go to hell and... erm... I mean... COOL GAME! Yer.

Your Anythingtogetonthescribesedly,
Lozza

We didn't kill her. She was ancient anyway, and seeing as the team "needed a ghost character to pop out of obscure places", the connection was a pretty obvious one to make. Fear not, though, as we're not quite done and dusted with old Wrinkly just yet. She'll be back, you wait and see... well, she might.

* * *

Dear Pokéfriends,

I have figured out why you have kept PD back so long; You have decided to change the character at the heart of the conspiracy. Yes, yes, it's everyone's favourite communist, Tiptup. I've already sent you all of the details of this before, and I couldn't be arsed to write it again. I'll just say this: Tiptup was a Blofeld/Dr. Evil hybrid, with his cute little cat and all, and the end sequence was some crap about Joanna and her friends eating turtle soup.

Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if the final story is about Joanna's company giving her a Pikachu and Team Rocket would try a new, ingenious plan to capture it every level. This story would have been pants, but at least it would have been amusing pants. You could even change it so it was called Perfect Pants.

I have also written the new sequel to replace B-T: Juno-Vela(ie). Juno runs around with Vela in his backpack and Lupus pops up from time to time to teach them new moves.

Now, maybe, some real questions:

1. You didn't really give N64 Gamer a PD cartridge to play with, did you? Because if you did, I would have to make the money to go overseas and kick all of your arses.

2. How come in the credits of Super Smash Bros. Rare was credited as having given permission to Nintendo for the use of Donkey Kong? I would have thought you had just given them a model, which they already would have had from Mario Party.

3. Can you make one of the cheats for PD 'Pokémon Mode', where the aliens are changed into Pokémon? Nintendo would let you. You'd sell millions more.

4. How about making a Safari game where you take photos of Rare characters? Many characters will be in it (mainly N64), but disappointingly few overall. I can see the introduction now: Joanna Dark walking through the forest with her camera, something runs along beside her. She turns to take a photo, but all she gets is a picture of a bowler hat. Joanna goes through all of the courses with her magical machine, taking photos of Tiptup (bonus points for a picture of Tusk cutting him in half!) and the like, and eventually goes to the Mr. Pants bonus stage. It will be a modern classic.

5. What's the Australian release date for JFG?

6. Did you read IGN's scathing review of JFG?

Thankyou,
Togepi_Ikari@hotmail.com
P.S. Death to Tiptup! (I do realise he is fictional, but he is really annoying. I mean- 'Hey, it's Tiptup!' What is Tiptup? He is Tiptup, damnit!)
P.P.S. Take2 hates B-K, so I hate Take2.
P.P.S. I knew who Brian Boitano was! I watch South Park.
P.P.P.S. He also won in 1993.

1. Eh? Who?

2. They produced their own model, based on ours.

3. I don't think Nintendo would really jump at the chance to let you unload a semi-automatic into Pikachu's head, do you? That's if our Mature target audience even knows what Pokemon are.

4. It'd probably work quite well in a bizarre, hopelessly inconsistent kind of way, but I can't shake the feeling that I've seen it somewhere before...

5. Dunno. Ask Nintendo Australia.

6. It wasn't exactly 'scathing'. They just seemed to have a whole set of problems with it that nobody else even noticed. Bless.

* * *

Hey baby! (or Rareperson, your pick)


What's up with this Mr Shoes guy who you accidentally (or was it?) exposed in the latest Scribes? Is he maybe Mr Pants' new sidekick or will he get his own game (he's before Tiptup, right?)? Since he has no clothes will he get R-rated or will he be available for the youngsters as well? If you are indeed making Mr Shoes 64, I have a few ideas for you to consider. First, I think maybe Mr Shoes 64 could be like Sonic the Hedgehog in the way that he could run really fast and have lots of cool friends and (Stop it! Stop it right now! - Ed.)

Yours truly,
Mr Socks
PS I've included a picture of Mr Shoes for your convenience (it's only the beta version, mind you).

And I think that's as far as it should go, don't you? Maybe you won't be so taken with Mr. Pants as a role model when I reveal to you the shocking truth about his extra-marital affair with Mrs. Pie... yeah, that's shaken you up a bit, hasn't it?

* * *

Dear Scribes,

Wow. I just rented Jet Force Gemini and Tonic Trouble from my local Blockbuster, and, well, I never really got around to playing Tonic Trouble. Jet Force Gemini is the most amazing game I've ever seen in my life! I like it so much, I wrote a song about it (it's a parody, really) and it's supposed to be sung by Lupus, and sung to the tune of "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega. Here it goes:

< The Jet Force Mambo
-------------------
A parody of "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega

One, two, three four five
Juno threw a Cluster Bomb so come on let's dive
From its big four blasts, hope they hit their mark

Vela says she wants to make bug juice
But I'd rather see 'em fried
Like ants through a looking glass
We must be quick but tough as bricks
I like flamethrowers, shurikens, grenades, and shockers
And that gun-toting Vela has her some big knockers
So what can I do I gotta kick Mizar's tail
But I'm just a dog with a large gun
Hope we can pull this off without getting canned

Our involvement was banned

A little bit of overkill in my life
A real big Tri-Rocket Launcher by my side
A Homing Missile Launcher is all I need
A long-distance Sniper Rifle's what I see
A standard Jet Force Pistol in the sun
A useful box of bright Flares all night long
A barrage of Machine Gun rounds here I am

A charged Plasma Shotgun makes you go blam

Jump up and down, and dodge Machine Gun rounds
Shoot your guns at the bug, then grab his ugly mug
But keep away from the big guys
Hide behind a crate and use missiles
Shoot your gun once and shoot your gun twice
And if he explodes then you're doin' it right

A little bit of overkill in my life

A real big Tri-Rocket Launcher by my side
A Homing Missile Launcher is all I need
A long-distance Sniper Rifle's what I see
A standard Jet Force Pistol in the sun
A useful box of bright Flares all night long
A barrage of Machine Gun rounds here I am
A charged Plasma Shotgun makes you go blam

I do all that I can do to save the Tribals

They can't run to save their hide
A homing missile makes them die

Well, that's it. Scared of me now? Some of my friends are... Anyway, here's the sucking up part: You guys are great I've never played better games or been to a better website in my life I hope you keep making good games and make a sequel to Jet Force Gemini because it's the coolest game in the world, etc. That's about it. I just made this wonderful song and wanted to share it with you. Goodbye now.
Mario Mario

Not scared, no. Slightly disturbed, but not all-out scared just yet because we know you're just trying to be affectionate in your own unstable way. The song's very nice. Could you perform it for us while strutting around in a white suit and cavorting with a host of semi-naked laydies? We just want to get the full impact, you know.

* * *

Dear Rare,

Let me just get this out in the open right now... Jet Force Gemini is my favorite game of all time! The style of this game is perfect, I love this game in every way! Can we have a round of applause for the composer of the music? OYE... the music in this game is worth the purchase! I just want to say that Rare games are the best games. King of the Hill and Tawfret are awesome. Er... and to my question... I just wanted to know if you guys are thinking of possibly making a sequel to this great game? :::Cough, Dolphin, cough::: That would truly be awesome. If you could just simply reply back to me or even post this... I would be greatly obliged. Thank you Rare, thank you for making such awesome games... I can't wait for
DK64 and Perfect Dark!

Thanks again.
Animator7@aol.com

Jet Force sequel action will basically depend on how well it does in the marketplace, so it's your solemn duty, Scribes readers, to go out and buy it in your droves and thus assure its status as 'economically viable' in a Michael Douglas Falling Down-stylee. Certainly, the designer muses that "We would like to do one, and it would be great on the Dolphin, and it may even feature Mrs Pie..."

But whatever happens, we're grateful for so many people being willing to place their faith in a completely new and original title with no precedent to rely upon, and it's particularly good to see that none of you are regretting it. You're stars, you are. You're our besht mates (hic).

* * *

Dear Scribes,

I just was thinking about the past, scrolling through Rarewhere, when I thought: "Hey, why not look at the first Scribes?" You know, the ol' days. Then I read the first Scribes. IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!! Do you know how many times 'arse' was used? ONCE!!!!! AND IT WAS WRITTEN BY LEIGH!!!!! SirSlush hadn't written in, and ONLY LEIGH SAID ARSE!!!!!!!!! I mean, Scribes has come a long way, from being a stupid, half-assed, one-and-a-half page assortment of crap. There was no talk about DK64, JFG, or Tiptup 64, or Arse 64! (Though surprisingly, there was talk of PD). Scribes is now a stupid, full-assed, five-page-long assortment of funny crap. You've come a long way, Scribes. I hope you keep Scribes this way, and forever keep us happy.

Wussupman2000@aol.com (yes, that really is my address)
P.S. thanx fur rdeing mei ltert, mna!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!

I've just had a look and I think that Scribes #1 stands up pretty well, all told. Okay, so the Followers of Arse were few and far between and there wasn't much in the way of previously-established irrelevant rubbish to build on, but it was a solid start. And it's hard not to enjoy the community spirit we've got here in Scribes these days - admittedly it's a community of nutcases and psychopaths, but you know, we do okay, considering.

For no reason at all other than to share the pain, allow me to leave you with this appalling 'joke' from the back of the choccy bar I've just eaten:

Q. What do you call someone who steals baby octopuses?
A. A squidnapper.

* * *

GET RID OF BACKLASH AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGH!
Ben Hosier

You love it. We've put it on top of the page just for you.


Evening... just thought I'd let you know about this:
<http://listen.to/HeyHey16K>
There's quite a bit about you lot (well, Ultimate anyway) in it, hope you like it!
M.J. Hibbett

[Arscribes note: none of the songs on that site work since it’s an archived version, but you can hear the song in question here on YouTube.]



Impressive, sir, and a worthy cause to boot. We're touched.


SLUSH!!! Where'd Sir Slush go?!?!? He wasn't in Scribes!!! That's it!!! No hostages for a month!!!
Try4ce@aol.com

It's okay, it's okay - he's back now. Don't do anything rash.


Mr. Pants... What with him man I mean... Come on... Is he supposed to look like a London bobby??... Or is that the point?...
Squee86

I'd be terrified of any "London bobby" who looked like that.


Listen up Scribe Boy. I have a very serious question. Do Mr Pants and Mrs Pie have children? Also, would it be asking too much for a few wedding photos?
McBain

But they're not married, man! Have a holiday snap instead.


My name is Garry Haywood. Right now I'm taking off my tight leather pants.
Garry Haywood

That's what you think, pal. Go on, get out of my office.


Speaking of Williamson, has he written any letters full of swear words and such to you since we all started bashing him? If so, please print one. I'd like to see how well written it was.
GreatFox

Nope, still nothing. Your people are losing hope, Williamson...