Ask Uncle Tusk: March 30, 2000

We're sure that Uncle Tusk's widespread fan base will be pleased to see him back in action after an impromptu 'holiday' from the endless stream of idiot questions. Thanks to an anonymous tip-off, we finally found him curled up under a bush next to a railway line just outside London, still trying to sleep off the effects of his slightly excessive New Year celebrations, whatever they might have been (we don't dare ask). The big waster.

Anyway, he's back and as ready as he'll ever be to tackle your Rare gaming queries, so if you've got one of your own, let us know. He might even sort it out for you. But we're promising nothing.

Dear Tio Tusko ("Tio" is Spanish for "Uncle", I'm so clever),

1. What the hell are Chewits?

2. Since there's a cheat code that allows you to play as the Rare staff in Goldeneye, I was wondering if the Rare staff ever gets together and plays a nice game of deathmatch using their own characters.

3. I don't like this at all. I mean, you actually answered real questions in the last Uncle Tusk. Sure, that's what you're here for, but you didn't insult enough people. Oh, and the word "arse" wasn't used once! NOOooo!

4. Sean Williamson is crap. 4:13 on the Archives level? I finally beat all of 00 agent after 3 years, but even I had relatively little trouble getting 1:19 on the Archives. My question is... no, I don't have a question, I just wanted to say that he is crap.

5. Why is it that people whine that Rare games are too easy, and when you put in something challenging, like Mizar, they whine even more? I thought the original DK was difficult too... when I was 5 years old.

6. Do the Rare game designers enjoy playing their own games? I'd think that they would've played those games to death, but on the other hand, they're still great games.

7. YoU guys SUCK!!1 u delay games and SUCK!!!! i hope ninetndo fires u guys and u diE!S!---- Whoa, sorry, for a second there I reverted into one of those morons that I'm sure you recieve many e-mails from. I'd just like to say that I feel your pain Tusk, I find those people who complain about delays annoying too.

Sincerely,
Urkel

P.S. Did you notice that using "P.S." isn't funny anymore?
P.P.S. No, seriously, did you notice?

Uncle Tusk replies:
1. Quality sweets that cling to the roof of your mouth in a big sticky mass.

2. Can you get a 200-player deathmatch going in GoldenEye, then? Anyway, it's just the GE team plus a few others, not the entire Rare staff, and I think the novelty wore off for them a long time ago.

3. You're on the wrong page if it's a gratuitous arse fix you're after. And I was genuinely unaware of being more pleasant than usual last time around, so I'll try to make up for it right now by jabbing you in the small of the back with this gardening fork as I answer the rest of your questions.

4. That'd be a very good point if you weren't the 4,000th person to make it.

5. Because people in general are a bunch of tedious, moaning idiots, that's why.

6. By the time a game's finished, generally its designer is ready to puke violently if he ever sees it again. Of course they're proud of their work, but still, you try concentrating on the same game every day for two or more years...

7. I find everyone annoying. There's no point in discriminating. Now sod off before I break your face, you long-winded git.
PS Yes.

PPS YES.

Hey Tusk,

JFG was absolutely amazing. Is there a plan for a JFG 2? Think about it. Mizar is dead, but there are still a lot of Drones left in the galaxy! Maybe Mizar has another important General who may take control of the Drones? Eh? Pleeeezeee? Make the game on Dolphin? And I am waiting for Blast Corps 2... guess there's gonna be no Blast Corps 2...

Kevin

Uncle Tusk replies:
Good guess. No current plans for JFG 2 - the team's hard at work on their new project, which means that if we do see another Jet Force game in future, it's unlikely to be an N64 offering. And it goes without saying that a plotline involving the rise of drunken, womanising degenerate General Alcor would be a definite forerunner.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

You asked for theories on Tiny's pillar in Creepy Castle. 1) Squiggly symbol on pillar means run around in circles. 2) Squiggly sign is same as the picture on Chunky's Door in a temple in Angry Aztec. 3) Squiggly symbol is the scroll of gameplay backwards. 4) Find an entrance from outside and drop through the roof. 5) use Chunky to carry the rock from the nearby room, then drop the rock so its reflection in the glass lands on the pillar. I hope I win the packet of Chewits, whatever they are.
-Si

Uncle Tusk replies:
Are those genuine suggestions? Even that last one about the reflection of the boulder? I can only hope that someone logged onto a newsgroup one night after three pints of neat vodka and made them all up for a laugh. Chewits Judgement will be reserved until we've had some more entries...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Err let's see...

A rope ladder is dropped down for Tiny. She then climbs up up the ladder to a waiting helicopter, where she is then whisked off to Site B. Here she joins King Jeff and a couple of people who aren't important enough to have names cos they die later. They then meet up with some hunters who join with them cos they have to get off the island. Blah blah blah, just as it gets good with lots of killing and the like, Steven Speilberg comes along and sues Tiny. So she is forced to hand over all her hard earned Bananas, Coins, and so on. At which point she is kicked back to DK Isle, to find that Steven also won the deeds to DK Isle in the court settlement. So to round up the Kong family have to move and K. Rool doesn't want it any more cos it's now been turned into the set for Steven's next film, and the game ends, so there isn't really much point in finding the Lost World, as it only causes more problems than anything else.

How was that... do I win some Chewits now????
John

Uncle Tusk replies:
No. The conclusion that you shouldn't bother looking for the Lost World at all is a plus point, but I was really hoping for stupid scams that selected morons have actually fallen for, not stuff you've made up on the spot. Chewits are 20p from our vending machine, you know - I can't go handing them out to just anyone.

Oh, Uncle Tusk...

While I must commend you on the electronic masterpiece that is Goldeneye, there is one small omission that I must humbly, yet strenuously, request that you address in Perfect Dark. Simply: for the Love of John Woo, can you please include a "two-gun" option in the multi-player game? Obviously you gents are aware of the tremendous coolness of smiting your enemies Chow Yun Fat style, so why not include it in the deathmatches as well, even if it's just with pistols or similar small munitions? C'mon, you know it would fit right in there, between "pistols" and "automatics"...

Thanks!
Trevor Quachri

P.S. Oh, and how about some animation to rectify that whole "super-spy disconcertingly slides around on the floor when he moves while crouched" thing? You've got a whole 'nother 4 MEGs of memory to toy around with now... Why give all the good animations to the bad-guys?

Uncle Tusk replies:
With a name like that you could pass for a Jedi - well, except for the Trevor bit, of course.

PD Designer Boy duly responds: "Wait and see what we have done to multiplayer. I don't think you've got too much to worry about. And you seem to have misconstrued exactly what the 4MB RAM Pak actually does."

Dear Uncle Tusk,


I noticed you used "Div" as an insult (March 21 edition), what the hell does that mean? My surname is Dive, and I'm always being called "Div" as a nickname. I don't expect a reply on your Uncle Tusk page as that would probably take months, but could you please just email a reply? This is really p*ssing me off, I've never heard of anyone being called a "Div" before, and it's starting to scare me.

Thanks in advance,
Andrew Dive, Sydney, Australia

Uncle Tusk replies:
'Div' is your nickname? Really? Har har har. Maybe you should consider the possibility that it's nothing to do with your surname after all. Are you a bit stupid? That would certainly explain it. Div, idiot, thicko, spanner, it's all much the same thing...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

What's this I hear about Flamethrower30... @aol.com, yes, who can't beat Mad Jack? I believe that I have found an easy way to avoid being squashed. Simply fall off the squares, and when Tiny rides the platform back up, just stay there until Mad Jack stops and the switches appear. There are only two drawbacks:

1: Mad Jack will fry you at close range... not a problem for someone with a name like Flamethrower.

2: You will stomp anyone who tries this cowardly method.

...Oh wait, this button says "SUBMIT YOUR CRY FOR HELP." [Arscribes note: well, there was one such link up at the top of every Ask Uncle Tusk, but I took out e-mail links because I didn’t want anyone e-mailing Rare out of confusion.] So I'd better come up with a wimpy question fast. Okay, here goes...

...About Enguarde's bonus arena. This Lap Bonus... going through the stars once is easy, but can I get it again in the same game? Doing two laps doesn't net me another bonus.

Or, more importantly, is there any similar reward in the Rambi Arena (other than the Combo X2 awards)?

Your harsh language, criticism, and complaints will be... appreciated.

Uh, right.

Sincerely,
A Gamer In Desperate Need Of Less Spare Time

Uncle Tusk replies:

Actually I won't stomp anyone who uses that method, because it means they'll have one less reason to come whining to me about their own sickening incompetence.

You really didn't need to rack your brains for a crap question as well, you know. I wouldn't have minded. Anyway, you've basically answered it yourself... and I don't think there's anything else in the Rambi Arena either, so you may as well just stop rambling and bugger off.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I just want to say first of all that this is NOT about Tiny's Pillar! I know you have gotten a lot of mail about it and are probably getting a tad bit annoyed. With that in mind, here is my DK64 question:

What is the Chimpy Cam? It's on the Options menu, and there are 2 choices for it: Follow or Free. Both appear the same to me. What is it for?

Also, could this have something to do with camera views in like, Troff/Scoffs' room, the battle arenas, etc. where there is a fixed camera? Because on the back of the DK64 box it shows some great screenshots, but from impossible angles... like the Battle Arena, shown like the camera was on the arena, and the Gloomy Galleon boss, shown from the water (not above like in-game). Is there a way to get the camera into those neat positions? I'm just curious as to how you got those screenshots. Perhaps there is a code to put on a kind of "camera mode" where you can rotate the camera and zoom in and out? Or just a way to turn off the fixed camera in say, Troff and Scoff's Room, or any other place?

Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon!
Keith Koshman

Uncle Tusk replies:
Tsk. Any fool can see that 'Chimpy Cam' is just a comedy monkey-related name for the in-game camera. The option was added to give you a bit more freedom with your choice of viewpoint: Free is the standard free-floating (duh) setting, while Follow gives the camera a little extra nudge to stick behind your character at all times. Neither choice affects the occasional fixed viewpoint like the ones you mentioned. As for the box shots taken from wacky angles, nope, don't even try to simulate them. They're the result of whole days near the end of the project spent trying to pin down the perfect screenshot...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

In Mizar's palace, the outside walls have braille (supposedly) on them. I decoded it to the message BICFHC and CHFCIB or in numbers is 293683 or 386392. Is there a point to this or is it nonsense? This is a dumb letter. Arse.
-Bandit-

Uncle Tusk replies:
Arse, Bandit? Hang on, I'll ask.

"An opportunity lost. We were unaware of this. Look out for braille swearing in future Rare products."

Hello Uncle Tusk!

Ok I found every single thing in DK 64 except one and that's one stupid golden banana with Diddy on Gloomy Galleon and it's driving me crazy. It's the one where you have to enter the mechanical fish thing and destroy those three lights. I always run out of time. Is there a way to hit two lights at once I don't know I'm desperate so please help.
Dovla@mail.com

P.S. Excuse my English if anything is wrong with it I come from Croatia and I bet you can't guess where that is.

Uncle Tusk replies:
You don't need to hit two lights at once unless you're crap, and I mean seriously crap. I take it you do realise you have to hit them all three times? If you've just been hitting them all once then sitting there whimpering until your time runs out, that'd be really funny.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Okay I have two questions.


1) Why isn't there a "cast of the characters" on DK64. I mean there was on DKC, DKC2, and DKC3.

2) Can you tell me where all the bonus levels are on Orang-utang Gang on DKC1. If anyone thinks I'm a retard to ask this question you have NOT read Uncle Tusk from March 21, 2000. Oh, one more thing stop looking for the smallest mistakes in somebodys letter, that's what makes you "crap". If you do that to mine you are gay with King K. Rool.
Aarond64@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies:

You left out several commas, a couple of question marks and an apostrophe. Oh, hang on - the threat of being "gay with King K. Rool" terrifies me beyond belief and I take it all back. But I'm still not answering your questions, arseface.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Before we start, I thought it would be in with both the festive spirit and upping my chances of web-publication if I wrote a poem, specially and indeed specifically for you:

Dear Uncle Tusk,
I love you
I love you
your stupid head casts shadows
on life's blades of grass
(quietly and inwardly outwardly submersive)
quite the opposite of irony
You dedicate your life to polyphony...
...and the provokation of bad gardening skills.
Why?
Why must we be left in the dark?
Why do you make games so tenter hook ductile-tape inducing?
Will you always daisy-chain our emotions in a convoluted scream for mercy?
Will you always shed your bitter tears, drenching every module of code in respite, every convex polygon in a sense of well-being?
But could you just do it a little more often, please?

Actually, it's more of a prose.

Anyway, here's my big question:
Mr. Ender Rentrogator

Uncle Tusk replies:

No, sorry. Abysmal poetry or idiot questions, one or the other - you can't honestly expect to get away with both.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I scored 5,000 points on the Jetpac game, but Cranky still refused to give me the Rareware coin. Do you have to have beaten the original Donkey Kong game first? (I think my game maybe a bit messed up, though; I scored exactly 5,175 points, which should be my high score, but the game says that my highest score is an unbelievable 675,000!)

~Christie

Uncle Tusk replies:
Haven't we done this before? Cranky doesn't give you the Rareware coin: it's activated as a pick-up within Jetpac once you've cleared the 5000-point barrier, so don't expect it to drop down immediately every time. 675,000 "unbelievable"? Ah, you innocent young Jetpac virgins...

Dear Uncle,

I have a proposal that may be mutually beneficial. It seems as if most of the half-witted critters who submit to you their incomprehensible ramblings of "inquery" (I use the term loosely) (Just as well, because it's not a real word. - Tusk) also populate my dormitory and stumble around its hallways in a drunken stupor while shouting salutations of endearment to their bedfellows and quite inconsiderately listening to poorly sampled selections of rap "music" (again, using the term loosely) at ground-shaking volumes through all hours of the night. Worse yet, those who are supposed to exercise any amount of authority only encourage the highly intoxicated festivities by either ignoring it altogether or participating in or hosting a few of their own. Meanwhile, this university continues to boast to the unsuspecting public of an alchohol-free campus. Therefore, to reduce the amount of idiots we both have to deal with on a daily basis and to expose this university for what it is, any amount of brain bashing and skull smashing around here would be greatly appreciated. And trust me, after the quantity of liquid poison these rats have consumed, there cannot be any great deal of brain cells left to dirty that finely crafted tool of metallic justice you wield. Perhaps you could even teach me a thing or two of the trade. After all, this is an institution of higher education (at least it's supposed to be).

Pleasant holidays,
Nephew Jeremy

Uncle Tusk replies:
You want me to come round and beat up some students? Excuse me? I've got more pressing things to do with my time - like picking fleas out of my loincloth.

Anyway, this bunch are only doing what students are supposed to do. In fact they sound pretty reserved by student standards. You should have seen what it was like back at Headmasher's Academy for the Promisingly Vicious...

Dear Tusk-o-ramma,

I need you to help me out big time. I have completed Jet Force Gemini and I have found everything... Or so I thought. My problem is this. In the multiplayer menu in the lower right hand corner above the start button is cut off from me. I can't get it and I don't know how to activate it. I have the racing mode, the target mode and obviously the regular deathmatch mode. How do I open up this oh so mysterious part of the multiplayer game? Please Tusk I need your assistance. A thousand thank you's in advance.
-Todd

Uncle Tusk replies:
It's so simple with the benefit of hindsight, isn't it? Though common sense often helps as well. Here's your answer: "The cross means it is not used."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Two quick (and grammatically correct) ones for you, Tusk: Is the line Bond says in Bunker 2, GoldenEye ("I have a cunning plan") a reference to smelly serf Baldrick from top-class TV series Blackadder? Hmm? HMM?

The biggie's a follow up to my rather-ridiculous-but-nevertheless-interesting JFG weapons crate theory. Obviously, a non-reply is altogether obvious, but here goes anyway; my Banjo Tooie theory.

The secrets unlockable until Banjo Tooie arrives to satisfy our egg-gathering needs are, in fact a series of challenges running up to a big end prize. For instance, it appears that the player starts with the raising of Sharkbait Island - I'm not going to speculate how, don't worry - and nabs the first egg. This in turn gives something that allows access to the ice-key in Wozza's Cave, like a blowtorch or chizzel (yeah, laugh, go on). From here on the player must run, ice-key in tow, to the doors in Gobi's Desert before the ice-key melts; it's a time challenge. Finally, the opening of the coffin within gives access to the doors in Grunty's Lair, rewarding the player with the prize sure to both surprise and please in equal proportions.

Well, how close was I? If not for accuracy, you have to appreciate the sheer imagination put in. Go, on, give me a pointer Mr Banjo-Tooie designer.

Disclaimer: this is a rumour. It is speculation, don't believe everything you read, blah-de-blah-de-blah.
Cheers,
Richard Broderick, Essex

Uncle Tusk replies:
Imagination? All you did was list the locations popularly held as 'secret' in a particular order. That rubbish about the boulder's reflection in DK64 was much more entertaining.

I wouldn't bother with the disclaimer, either. I'll just forward the resultant deluge of excitable idiot mail directly to you.

Blackadder? Probably, if JB didn't say that in the film...

THE MAN they call Uncle Tusk (cool garments),

Good evening/morning/night dear sir, sorry to disturb you from nap in your shed, care for a cup of coffee? - no I'm getting side tracked, my questions are as follows (well what else would they be, der):

1) As I'm obsessed with carnage of a high degree, (possibly much like yourself and other gamers) I wouldn't mind the full list of weapons in your up coming, grey-station bashing, game: Perfect Dark. The list of weapons which I find on other petty web sites (your web site also, I'm afraid, lacks the specifications which I would like) are a load of rubbish, they need to learn from the big guys at Rareware.

2) Also, could u tell me why the Three Little Pigs kept on saying "Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin" what the HELL are they on about, or even on - LSD maybe?

So Uncle Tusky, sir, I'm reeeeeally looking forward to your new game (there are lots, but I'm on about 'Perfect Dark') - and as everyone says (and you must get pretty p*ssed off about it): Keep up the good work >:)
Shpongler - and no it's not my name!
P.S. Pleaze answer these questions, I'm just a small boy who knows nothing, Pleeeeeze?

Uncle Tusk replies:
1) We haven't dished out the full list of weapons for a very good reason: spoilers. Same goes for the cast list. There's no point going around blabbing about characters and weapons that crop up later in the game and spoiling the plot for everyone before they've even played it.

2) Excuse me? Do I look like I've just stepped out of a fairy tale? Oi - zip it.

Sup, Tusk.

K, I hope you're not offended by whut I am 'bout to type. I am a God-awful master @ KI and KI Gold. Since KI came out, when I was still in grade school, I was whoopin' high school students and college students left, right, and centre in the arcades, and made qwite a few older friends... and... erhm... enemies. Then I got the home SNES version, and whooped ma friends in the comfort of my own abode. When KI 2 and KI Gold came out I was in my glory, and nothing changed... things were more complete.

Now... It's been years since KI Gold was released. I still love it nonetheless, but there is nothing more for me to learn. I need a bloody sequel (pun intended)! KI3 or somethin'! I submitted an idea for KI Legacy for a Nintendo Power contest a couple years ago, but no one heard my cry then.

I was hoping that you, in your unmeasurable charm and persuasive manner, could swoon someone at Rare t'wards makin' some kind ov sequel. It's inevitable in my world.

Also, so you know, I've been stickin' up for you since your existence. When my pals said that Tusk was a no good drooling barbarian, I took control, and thot like you think and whooped 'em good wit your very own Conquerer and Pillar of Flames, and scarfed 'em down wit a big ol' Riptor midnight snack. So I think you owe this one to me, to @ least try... Pweeeease?

From one sensitive young man to another,
Dalaphizar *~:)

Uncle Tusk replies:
Here we go again. For a start, any debts you may try to claim against me (and indeed anyone else you write to) are immediately cancelled by these dismal and entirely punchworthy attempts at 'kewl' grammar. So that's that out of the way. As for KI3, I think I might have to start lying through my teeth and telling you people that it's coming along nicely, all set to be the ultimate arcade beat-'em-up etc. just to keep you quiet and spare myself the pain of having to answer the same damn question every time. Even if we did have a new KI in the works, don't you think we'd cook up a full-scale dramatic announcement for the front page rather than just mentioning it to a handful of illiterate tramps somewhere in the bowels of this column and leaving it at that? Eh? Or what?

Hi Uncle Tusk!

I have recently finished your brilliant DK64 (in 43:30 I might add, well under the average completion time) and was just wondering what the hell the crowns do. Cranky says he has "forgotten" and I can't find what they do anywhere. I wouldn't mind so much except it took me ages to find them all. Please help!!
Peter Renshaw
P.S. Sorry to brag but I'm really proud of myself at the moment!

Uncle Tusk replies:

Beating one battle arena and getting your first crown opens up that multiplayer option. You'll need four crowns to get your hands on the final K. Lumsy key, and if you're angling for 101% then you'll need every last crown, along with all the other stuff. How's that? Comprehensive or what? Yeah, I just nicked it from the design notes in front of me.

Dear Avuncular Elephant Tooth:

Will you please motion Down-Back Down Down-Toward Back + FK, then MK, followed by Down Down-Toward Toward Back + FP, then another MK, Down-Toward Down Down-Back Toward + FK, plus Down Down-Back Back Down-Back Down Down-Toward Toward + FP and finish with Down-Back Down Down-Toward + FK?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Wow! 23 hits! 61% damage, too! I'll ask you for another one when I find my teeth...
Fasil Bawlty

Uncle Tusk replies:
Always a pleasure, never a chore.

Yo, Uncle Tusk,

I love the game Jet Force Gemini. However, I've got a problem with it. It's not a problem with the game, it's just something I don't know how to do. Is it possible to go into a level with someone besides the default character for that level? Judging by the screenshots, I would say yeah, but that still doesn't tell me how to do this task that will probably make me feel like an idiot for not knowing.

Hope I get a reply,

Alucard (that's Dracula spelled backwards)

Uncle Tusk replies:
You don't say. So wouldn't it be more appropriate for you to be called 'Ressot'? Obviously you haven't even gotten all three characters to Mizar's Palace and given him his first proper kicking yet, because as any old gimp knows, from that point on you can drag any of the team members wherever you like.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I recently completed the task of beating all of the boards on the Platinum level. I know that I have beaten them all because I received the 30th, and final promotion. My question is about the display at the bottom, the game shows that 57 platinums have been collected, but that there are still 21 golds to be beaten on the platinum level. I am wondering why this is, and whether or not it is a defect. Thank you...

udontknowmike@aol.com
P.S. I was wondering how many people have beaten the entire game on platinum.
P.P.S. I would also like to be reimbursed for the numerous controllers destroyed in the frustrating quest for platinums... jk.

Uncle Tusk replies:
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Because the truth is, none of us can remember.

Why are you so concerned about it, anyway? You've obviously picked up all the Golds previously to be able to reach the Platinum levels at all. Forget about it, man. Leave it all behind you. Go and have a nice sit down in a darkened room for a couple of hours.
P.S. The designer says: "Very, very few. A monumental task."
P.P.S. The designer also says: "Yeah, but at least the ending was worth it..."

Hello Uncle Tusk!

I have just finished DK64 with 101%. Great, I know. What baffles me more is the ending. You know, the dolphin picture. Leaves me a question: What Dolphin games do you have in development. I don't mean toys for we-are-cute-and-so-intelligent-but-can't-escape-a-tuna-net sea mammals (I love tuna, just in case you want to know). What I mean are games for Nintendo's forthcoming state-of-the-art-next-gen-console. You just can't imagine how badly I need it... the info... something else too, but I won't bother you with that one. Actually, I don't just ask you, I beg you for some info. And if I don't get what I beg for I'm gonna go REAL mad. I might end up shoving all my Rare games up Helmut Kohl's rectum and blaming YOU for it. He'll go mad too, considering the fact that half a dozen cartridges in the arse is no fun. He'll get you and eat you with some Kraut for breakfast. Got the point? So you better tell me the truth. ASAP!!!
Fabian Anklam
P.S You guessed right, I'm from Germany. Try to say "Fischstäbchen" and don't forget to pronounce the Umlaut correctly.

Uncle Tusk replies:
He's got a name like Helmut, and you're aiming your obscene references at his rectum? Talk about a missed opportunity.

Apparently, the whole 'Dolphin auditions' thing was the result of one of the team members "going off on one", which is another way of saying that nobody here really understands it either and you'll never get a satisfactory answer out of any of us so you may as well forget about it, you snail-eating fool. No, hang on, that's not right.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Having spent about 70 hours wading through DK64, although I have the Rare coin form completing the Jetpac game, It would seem I have come to a dead end as I cannot locate the lever to switch the original DK arcade machine on... and consequently can't finish the sodding thing off! Advice please???? I have spent hours trying to locate this and it is not fun...!!
J.

Uncle Tusk replies:
You can't find the lever? What, seriously? You can't find the lever that's sitting right in front of the DK machine? The only possible excuse for not seeing this lever is being a bit slow and failing to do the Barrel Blast in the Frantic Factory level which makes the damn lever appear, and that's not much of an excuse anyway unless your mysteriously absent surname is 'Williamson'.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Having foolishly promised not to buy another Nintendo game throughout the whole of Lent, I am devoting most of my attention to fighting Mizar in JFG. That is, I am fighting Mizar "The Bad-Ass Melon-Farmer With Purple Laser Eyes and Spaghetti Laser Fingertips" at the Asteroid, not Mizar "I am a Wuss, I am a Wussier Wuss, and I am a Wussiest of Wussies and I'll Hide Behind My Claws Because There's a Nasty Dog Fighting Me" at the Palace.

However, and you have probably heard this one before, I can't.

The target area is (I believe) the jetpack on his back - very small and fiendishly difficult to hit when he's flying off into the distance. I also gather that you've decided for some reason to give him about five attacks (Claw Smash, Ice Breath, Laser Eyes, Summon Asteroids, and Claw Laser), four of which are pants and do piddling damage, and the last of which does huge amounts of damage.

Why?

Did you think up of too many animation ideas and not enough damage/physics ideas? Never mind - it's not important.

What is important is how Mizar can be beaten. So how do your playtesters go about knocking the final nail into his coffin lid? The game's camera view means that I often have to guess when to jump over the laser beam weapon that does a ridiculous amount of damage. Also it means that I can't get the same degree of accuracy on aiming that I could in Goldeneye, so the rocket pack is very hard to hit.

Spill the beans! And then tell me how to beat Mizar.
Hu Man Bing

Uncle Tusk replies:
"Oh yes," says the designer. "I can't believe we forgot to make a weapon that homes in on a selected target."

Do you see, 'Bing'? Oh, of course, everyone's to blame but yourself. Including our testers, apparently, who are responsible for the camera views which make the final battle utterly impossible to win. They didn't think anyone would notice. And the rocket pack's supposed to be hard to hit - if we'd made it as big as Mizar himself, he'd officially be the Crappest Boss Ever. But hey! At least old Bing would be happy, eh?

On a similar note, we'll have less of your whinging about Mizar being a wuss at the Palace too, because if we'd made him hard as nails at that point then all you soft ponces would have given up in tears and only ever seen about half the damn game. Hrrmph.

Dear my sweet little cutie-pie Uncle Tusk,

Will the aliens from PD be from the planet Arse? I know it seems scary that my arse has used simple logic to get on the arse of some of your big games' big-arse secrets. I know all your secrets. For example after meditating for years with the arse masters in a secret-arse arse facility directly under Rare HQ, I have perfected the art of arse-bolts where I shoot flaming arse-biscuits out of my arse to reduce lesser arses to arse-particles. I know you and all of Rare's drones can do this too, and my arse senses that a final, video-game quality duel of the arses is to come. The destiny of the arse awaits! Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their arse. Don't be afraid... ARSE! You jumped! Your arse is unworthy! Go hide with your radioactive-arse kitty and ugly-arse wife. Thank-you for your time.

With death threats directed at your arse,
The Monolithic King of the Arse (pizzarino@aol.com that's right AOL! Hahahahah!)

Uncle Tusk replies:
It goes without saying that the only reason this got printed was "Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their arse." Hang on, where's Maya off to with that rusty corkscrew?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Could you help me with the following please.

1. Where do I find the Nude and Rare Team Cheats for Bond?

2. Could you ask the Bond Team what they had to study to become programmers?

3. Could you ask the PD Team if they can make the arms of the people round instead of squared?

4. Also could you ask the PD Team to set up an "Invincibility Cheat" to do on the controller and make it top secret but share it with me.

5. How does one apply for a position as a programmer at Rare, as I would love to be a Rare Programmer when I get older. I am 13 years old now.

6. Would anyone at Rare be able to teach me over the Net how to program.

Thanks for your help.
Daryl Sutton

PS. The only games I play are made by Rare. Rare are the Best. I hope you guys don't start making games for "Play with your self Stations" or "Gay Station". Choice is yours.

Uncle Tusk replies:
I shall certainly take great pleasure in passing this string of intelligent questions on to our mutual PD designer friend. (Chortle.)

"1) In two different places: The team chrs are available by activating the 'team characters' cheat with the appropriate joypad input (see previous Uncle Tusk). The Nude cheat is available in your head.

"2) It tends to be 'programming'. Or 'Computer Science'.

"3) Yes, and then the single enemy you had on screen at one time would be really lovely.

"4) Only a 13-year-old would ask that question. And the one about a Nude cheat.

"5) I rest my case." (See that section called Rare Affairs? See that page called Recruitment? Yes. Exactly. - Tusk)

"6) No. The best place to learn is in School and/or University.
"PS I happily use other games consoles because the world is a large and wonderful place full of infinite variety, and I want my mind to be similar."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I have a few questions. 1: When do you think Tooie is gonna come out? 2: Will you be able to turn into Diddy Kong? 3: Is every level going to have a boss? 4: Are the rumors that there's a secret in MMM true, or is that just BS? 5: Do you think that Leo DeCaprio should get hit with a piece of raw steak? (I do.) And last, but not least 6: What kinds of moves will Mumbo Jumbo know? Shaman Slam? Mumbo Master Magic? Jinjo Jumbo? Thanks.
Darrin DeVito

Uncle Tusk replies:
Say hello to your dad Danny for me! I'm just too funny.

1) Probably when we last said it would. 2) Shut up, you appalling fool. 3) Yes, as far as I know. 4) Do you think you could possibly give me any less to work with? 5) Keep your twisted celebrity fantasies to yourself. 6) I've no idea, and thanks to general aggravation brought on by the rest of your barrel-scraping questions, I've no intention of finding out. Learn from this.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Mickey's Racing Adventure - can you help please?

My son is experiencing a problem when he enters a race i.e. the screen is fine until the race begins and the colours all start flashing as he drives around. Currently this only seems to occur within the currently biggest (most complete) saved game.

Starting a new game slot as yet does not have the problem, but I worried in case he redoes everything only to encounter the problem again.

Having copied the saved game to a spare slot does have the same problem. It is a new Game Boy Colour and Mickey's Racing Adventure. I have replaced the batteries but the problem persists.

Cheers
David Harrhy

Uncle Tusk replies:
At first I suspected you were merely being stupid like so many of my patrons, but consultation with the Game Boy lads has turned up the shocking possibility that there may actually be some substance to your problem:

"You seem to have activated a cheat from the post office (Disco Mode). Just return to the post office and turn it off."

Come to think of it, though, you'd have to be a tad slow to select something called 'Disco Mode' and then wonder what was going on when the screen started flashing.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I've had Donkey Kong 64 for about two weeks and I need to know: how do you get out of DK's treehouse?

Sean Pilliamson

Uncle Tusk replies:
Stop it.

Ask Uncle Tusk: March 21, 2000

We're sure that Uncle Tusk's widespread fan base will be pleased to see him back in action after an impromptu 'holiday' from the endless stream of idiot questions. Thanks to an anonymous tip-off, we finally found him curled up under a bush next to a railway line just outside London, still trying to sleep off the effects of his slightly excessive New Year celebrations, whatever they might have been (we don't dare ask). The big waster.

Anyway, he's back and as ready as he'll ever be to tackle your Rare gaming queries, so if you've got one of your own, let us know. He might even sort it out for you. But we're promising nothing.

Hey TuskMan,

I just want to let you know that Goldeneye is the BEST game I have ever played in my life (although Starsiege: Tribes on my computer is pretty close). The one and only thing I think would be awesome (and I'm hoping for in Perfect Dark) would to have an excellent multiplayer cooperative mode (maybe even 4 player cooperative). Is there going to be a multiplayer cooperative mode in this game? If there is, is it going to be 2 or 4 player or what? I think that virtually everyone who has played Goldeneye would love to have a GOOD multiplayer cooperative game (other than crappy Duke Nukem, heh heh). Also, it would be cool if the bodies stayed there instead of disappearing, but I'm not too concerned with that, just the cooperative mode. Please respond and thanks for your time.

Josh

Uncle Tusk replies: If only I could say it's good to be back. But no - because of your appalling failure to pay attention or bother to look around for the information you need, I'm not only going to have to drag the PD designer away from his work, but also come round your house to slam the fridge door on your head. I'm not selfish - I'm more than happy to share this storming great headache.

"I refer the right honourable lazy cheapskate to any recent preview of the game in online mags, paper mags, or even (gasp) another part of this very website, where he will find the information he needs. Or:

"Yes, 2 player, bodies stay a little longer. Go now. I feel tired and must rest."

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Sympathizing with PhReaKy D. MoNKeY and others like him, I should say that you get the Stabilizer from Jeff when you get all the Tribals, BUT (at least, if you haven't spoken to him yet) you have to talk to him twice. I talked to him with all the Tribals, and he said just what you said he said . This lead me to doubt my having found all the levels. But, smelling a rat, I talked to him again and he said "Oh thank you blah blah blah" or something to that effect and he gave me the Stabilizer. Now, if I can only find the Fuse...
- tk-421

Uncle Tusk replies:
That'd be it, then. Mind, if Mr. MoNKeY hasn't worked that out by himself since November, he needs more than a bit of sympathy. Perhaps a lobotomy would do the job.

I can smell a rat too, but that's because I got hungry on the way home and they give me terrible wind, those things.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I was going to play my JFG again so I could fight Mizar, but I pressed the "X" box and my game erased.

How do I get into the secret level, "outset"? I have read walkthroughs, but to no avail.

These weird flying things keep on shooting at me, and I quickly die.

And how do I talk to the green guy and the cockroach Koala? I think it happened once or twice, but I haven't been able to again.

Finally, how do I enter that big house?
Sean Milliamson

Uncle Tusk replies:
Nope, it's still not convincing. A better effort than last time - you implied difficulty with the first level and the most basic concepts of the game, which is good - but you forgot the all-important "by the way, I'm not crap" afterthought. Stick with it, though, you're getting better. Or worse. Whatever you prefer.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Well, by now the slew of mail piled up in your inbox about finding lost bananas must be crashing your hard drive into an unrecognizable shmoosh, but I though I'd add my plea to the list.

Here goes...

In Fungi Forest, something is supposed to be planted in the area next to the tomato garden, y'know in the bare soil. What and how? I'm guessing it's my last Tiny gold banana, because of the Mini Monkey barrel nearby.

Also, in Creepy Castle, I'm missing Chunky's last gold banana. I have the one from the crypt (smashing coffins), the one from the museum (punch shields, rock on switch, open skull), the one from the barn next to the greenhouse, and the one from Snide.

Help? Please?

Your faithful nephew,
Scott Zdankiewicz

Uncle Tusk replies:
Oh yes, there's no shortage of people demanding to know where they've missed one or two bananas on a level. Hilariously, of course, they don't seem to realise that I'd have to list them all just so they could pick out the ones they haven't found. Cretins.

But with a bit of mild DK64 team coercion, I think we might be able to help with your little problems. If you've already found Tiny's Golden Banana by killing all the Klaptraps in the tree stump/termite mound/whatever you want to call it, you should already have something to plant in the soil. If you haven't, well, get to work on that Tiny barrel and music pad sharpish, Remedial Boy.

As for the last Creepy Castle 'nana, ah, you're in luck - there's an invigorating bout of everyone's favourite subgame, Beaver Bother, waiting for you inside the 'Spooky Stump'. It says here.

To Uncle Tusk,

I must say, JFG is an absolutely BRILLIANT game. As soon as I finished Goldwood with Juno, I decided, "This is one outstanding game". I love it, one of the best. Congratulations on JFG! Bring on JFG2!

Now, some questions I need to know the answers to...

1) Floyd's tail-lights: I know when they flash red, enemies are nearby, but what does it mean when they flash blue??

2) What's the max ammo for each weapon??

3) Will you actually get something else other than the 3 cheats if you, a) collect heaps and HEAPS of Ant heads, b) collect heaps and HEAPS of Tribal heads?

An unlimited ammo cheat maybe? Invincibility?

Well, that's all I'll ask for, thanks!

Toad2200@hotmail.com

Uncle Tusk replies:
Let's see if I can drag the designer in for a couple of semi-useful answers...

1) "It's gone dark."

2) "It depends what you pick up with each character. You can have up to 60 Homing Missiles as Juno by the time you reach Mizar."

3a) Nope. 3b) Nope. Wait a minute, though... nope.

My dearest Tuskie-poo,

No, Lupus isn't a Jinjo. (But, speaking of theories, I do think that Mr. Pants is Mumbo without his Mumbo-suit on; doesn't that make a lot more sense than Mumbo's being a Jinjo?) But Lupus fits pretty well into the JFG lesbian couple theory: I suppose it might be better if he were a cat, but then he'd have to spend his time lying around inertly or going off doing whatever he damn well pleases, and what kind of video game would that be? Having a cat be a controllable character wouldn't make sense: 'controllable cat' is an oxymoron.

So if you're going to have a sidekick, better make it be a dog. As long as it's a big dog, that fits quite well into the lesbian theme. If he were a fluffy toy poodle, that would be rather a problem, but he's not: he's big and strong and powerful and has guns, just the sort of dog that they'd want.

On a separate note, I can't express how much I love Chunky Kong. His triangle-playing makes me swoon. He can lift my boulders (or, should I say "get my rocks off"?) any day...

David Carlton

Uncle Tusk replies:
I think I'll just keep out of this one, thanks. Apart from making the brief point that while Mumbo being Mr. Pants dressed up (which would surely make him Mr. Suit) does sort of make more sense than Mumbo being a Jinjo, what makes even more sense is MUMBO BEING MUMBO AND JINJOS BEING JINJOS AND NEITHER OF THEM BEING EACH OTHER. Now shut up about it before I go crazy-ape psycho mental and give you all paper cuts.

Hey Tussk, it'ss been a while.

Roll, remember? Yeah, me!! I ssaw that render of you up on the ol' sscreen, and you've ssure ass hell changed! What'ss with the furry loincloth-boot get-up? Lasst time I ssaw you, you wass with that Orchid gal over on the beach, and, you musst've been drunk at the time, becausse you... and... her, without... well... and... you know (unlesss you were too drunk at the time to remember that you weren't wearing a freaking thing)! *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Anyway, I wass looking at your 3D render up there on your column, and you know, I really envy you. I wass talking with Zitz yessterday, (you remember, the green guy who sstuffed 8 50-pound tankss of gassoline down his throat, back in the good ol' dayss), and we wass discusssing how you is now a famouss Rareware sstar now. Buddy, you iss getting all the fame. You're 3D now... and I'm sstill in thiss damn 4-bit ssprite configuration... aw, ssure, I was the 3D of the moment, but then you and that DK character changed that for good. Not that I ain't forgiving you or anything, I mean, we iss sstill buddiess, right? You issn't too good for me now, right? Aw, hell, forget that.

Anyway... I've been hanging around your ssite for a bit now (don't give me that "Dignified Rare Employee" junk, I know you iss the bosss around here), and I've heard that you iss now married to Maya! Ssweet... I knew you had more than just a thing goin' with her... do you think maybe the 3 of us can go down to the local "gym" soon, and do a little "workout"? Eh? *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Hah! Jusst kidding with you... my dayss of that kind of sstuff have dulled down a bit, I guesss... me and Rattle are living in an apartment in Molokai... one of them damn Hawaiian placess. It'ss a great life... we jusst adopted Pipssy, and I couldn't assk for a better spousse than Rattle. And you? I bet you iss very happy with Maya at the moment, eh? : ) Doess sshe sstill do that dance? Yeah, I bet sshe doess the dance whenever you're coding thiss webssite, jusst to get your attention. Heh. Rattle and I ssaw that cat of yourss, Ssniffles a few weekss ago. Preciouss little devil. I bet Maya missess her... it'ss a fine cat... sssay, how much is that kitty really worth to the ol' girl? Eh? It'ss been a while ssince I did a ranssom job... get back to me on that value of that fluff. We can ssplit the profit, right? You alwayss were a good buddy. Tell Maya hi for me. Oh yeah, and if any of the old SSnake Rattle n' Roll sstafferss are sstill around, tell 'em thankss for all they did for me, and that me and Rattle wouldn't mind a new game... a GBC deal, maybe? Thankss, buddy. I'll try to vissit you later.
--Roll

Uncle Tusk replies:
Hey, Roll. I bet Sniffles has changed a bit since you last saw the little devil, eh? Yeah, that's right, we got him a new flea collar... oh yeah, and there's the 200 feet thing and the extra limbs and stuff.

Maya's fine, she doesn't have much time to do 'the dance' any more because she's so busy helping that Combo loser with his training. She sends her regards, though. Her actual words were "I'll cut your tongue off next time I see you, and you can keep the damn cat."

I'm sure you'll get your big 3D break one day, old pal. Look forward to seeing you again then. I'd offer to put a good word in on your behalf for KI3, but of course the problem there is that you'd be crap. Never mind, eh? Hawaii might not be Twycross, but it's still not a bad place to bide your time. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got morons waiting and they just have no respect for my delicate condition...

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Someone changed our Mario Party game to the German Language and we don't know how to get it back to English! Any advice or contacts who can help would be appreciated (The kids can't play it and it's school holidays).
RevKev

Uncle Tusk replies:

Those zany Germans, eh? Yeah, I've got some advice as to who you should contact: Nintendo. The people responsible for publishing the game. If you're lucky they'll be able to get the relevant info from the people who actually developed the game, i.e. NOT US, YOU FESTERING DUNCE.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

When is the real Release Date for Banjo-Tootie? I've searched the web and found dozens of "Release Dates" for Tootie and Conker for that matter. We've been waiting for years to get access into the hidden areas in Banjo KaZooie, and you've made us WAIT for Tootie's release. OK that's BAD enough- but THEN, constantly CHANGING the RELEASE DATE- and putting it further and further back- we'll BE TOO OLD TO PLAY THE THING! GIVE us a break- and tell us when it's really gonna be out- or be decent, and tell us how to access the hidden areas. YOu know it's NOT fair to NOT tell us- and then keep moving back the release date, too! That's NOT FAIR! We don't mind buying your games- they're well made- and we really don't complain about the price- we just want you to treat us fair- and give us the answer - or sell us the game with the answer!

RSears8378@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies:
Is there something fundamentally wrong with your head? Our purposefully vague estimates for the release of Tooie (not Tootie, you imbecile) have only ever changed once, from the "late '99" we offered early on in development to the more recent "mid(ish)-2000". That's what you'd call "constantly changing", is it? We've never committed ourselves to a specific release date on the game for this very reason - morons badgering us with the usual unintelligible rubbish about delays.

And what's this - "you've made us WAIT for Tootie's release"? Yes, unfortunately there's this niggling little part of the process called 'game development', which generally takes a couple of years - try as we might, we still haven't been able to find a way around it. We all like to dream that anything in life can be made instantly available just by saying it, but most of us realise that at the end of the day there's a bit more to it than that. Obviously not you, though, you dribbling cretin. Now go away quickly - this twitching in my sword-hand's getting uncomfortable.

Hello Uncle Tusk,

I just have a quick question. Are there really any Rareware or N64 coins in Jet Force Gemini? If so where are they, because I have been looking for a long time and I'll be so crushed if there aren't!!
Kate

Uncle Tusk replies:
Prepare to be crushed. But it's your own fault for being unable to distinguish between hallucination and reality, you div. Nobody ever said there was a Rareware or N64 coin in JFG - unless it was just someone you know pulling your leg, in which case I suggest you take a brutal revenge involving mantraps and pointy sticks.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I was wondering if you could be a dear and ask the JFG team what they consider to be a level? I bought the game expecting 120 huge levels and when I beat it I could only count 30. What I consider to be a level is the parts of the game that are timed and require you to find Tribals. If you add the Floyd missions and races that adds a few levels, but, it's still nowhere near 120.

I was also wondering why there are no adjustable difficulty levels to be played, the game's reasonably simple and I wanted to boost the difficulty.
MIKE

Uncle Tusk replies:
What, so now you're all bloody mathematicians, are you? Here's the designer to put an end to your anal mutterings.

"I have no idea where the mythical '120' levels came from. There are 10 main worlds and 5 sub-levels. These levels are created from 400+ smaller rooms. What you are referring to are the 'regions' which were used to break down the larger worlds into more manageable chunks.

"The difficulty level increases steadily throughout the game. You could always play it with the Pistol only."

Dear Uncle Tusk,


I've found a lot of people are annoyed with Donkey Kong. When I asked why, it was because of a single room. In Creepy Castle Tiny can use the Monkeyport in the ballroom to reach the museum. Behind the building where you race the car, there is a second monkeyport which takes you across the hall to a room with a pillar with a bright light on it. What is the point of this pillar? Is it the entrance to a lost world, or something you took out (like the island in Dam), or was it there for no reason. Please reply back as a lot of people are counting on you.
-Si

Uncle Tusk replies:
There was originally a very good reason for it to be there, but now there's not. Just like the 'tree stump' in Fungi Forest was originally riddled with termites, but now it's not. One of those things. Developmental fluctuations. Stuff like that. Still, feel free to give us a laugh by sending in details of the most ridiculous, pointless, anal theories you've had about how this pillar is used to reach the DK64 Lost World - best one wins a packet of Chewits.

Dear Uncle Tusk:

I'm sure you and all your regular readers remember Sean Williamson, who wrote in saying that he could not beat 4:13 in the Archives level of Goldeneye 007, but insisted that he was not crap at the game. Needless to say, his name immediately became synonymous with crap, but he was never seen or heard from since.

Well, I had a job at a video game store here in Texas over the holiday season. Some time just after New Years, a young man came in and bought a strategy guide for a Playstation game. At that store, where we deal with much previously-owned merchandise, we try to get peoples' names and phone numbers, and often their addresses, on every transaction. The name he gave me was Sean Williamson. I asked him how Sean was spelled, and he said that it was S-e-a-n. I mentioned that I thought I had heard his name somewhere; he said absolutely nothing, but paid and left. I didn't inquire further...

If this had been anywhere but a video game store, I might have passed it off as a coincidence. Neither of the names are uncommon. But someone of that age, buying a strategy guide for a game... it seemed like he was a typical "hard-core gamer" type, which makes it more likely that he would be the same type who would visit the Rare web page and even write in...

So, we have a possible sighting for Sean Williamson in the town of Pasadena, just outside the city of Houston, Texas. If anyone cares. I just thought you should know.

Shay Pierce

Uncle Tusk replies:
What a strangely heartwarming tale. If only he'd been buying a guide for GoldenEye, that would have been perfect. Ah, but why would he want to do something like that when he's not crap at GoldenEye in the first place? Silly me.

Anyway, keep us informed. Not that I wish to encourage other dimwits to write in with useless made-up stories of how they've just seen some bloke standing in the middle of a busy road wearing a big 'S. Williamson' sign around his neck and asking passers-by the best way to avoid being run over, or something.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

I've been driven to the brink of insanity on this one, how does the Goldeneye team play Goldeneye, do they all like 1.1 Honey for their controller setting or something else? Do they go for stealth or just good old waltz up to the enemy and shoot 'em plan?

I've got to know! please help this Goldeneye crazed boy, if not for me do it for your country!

Gabe
Ps. What the hell is the ratio setting? if you can tell me you'll truly be a god among men if you already aren't.

Uncle Tusk replies:
Of course I'll do it for you, in the sense that I'll do it to shut you up very quickly. Where's that designer?

"Personally, I play it however I want to. Sometimes a PP7 and a stealthy approach is all. Sometimes the elegant brutality of double grenade launchers is too seductive to resist.

"If the ratio setting you're talking about is the one I think you're talking about, it's to do with the starting health of the character, and serves as a crude yet effective handicapping system. Or it's the aspect ratio of the screen, if it's the other one you're talking about."

Dear good old unky Tusk,

Donkey Kong 64, what can I say? Absolutely brilliant game, if anyone is thinking about getting it, do. The one player is brilliant and the multiplayer will have you in stiches because it is really funny.

It is a really big game, which is good, with hard challenges along the way. I have got all the way to Hideout Helm, got about 150 bananas, all the blueprints but the absolute hardest thing on the whole game, is the original Donkey Kong, it is impossible, I keep getting to level 3, then dying, I have tried it millions of times but just can't manage it. Could you lend a helping hand (the one tied behind your back when fighting Sabrewulf would be fine) with a few tips for the original, please.

Thanks a bunch Mr. Tusk. ('Bunch' gettit, bunch-bananas-Donkey Kong! I crack myself up!)
Richard McCaig, your most devoted fan!

P.S. Do you have a surname and middle name?

Uncle Tusk replies:
I hope you mean the multiplayer's funny in a good way and not funny because it's crap, otherwise I'll have to stuff my boot down your throat.

Here's my hot tip for the original DK: stop being so useless, you skill-free dumbed-down 90s ponce. I can't believe how much trouble some of you gibbons are having with such a simple game. All it takes is a few minutes of concentration and co-ordination, for God's sake.
P.S. Don't need one. How hard would I look if I was called, say, Richard Tusk?

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hey I may just be a moron or something, but on JFG, Lupus can snipe with the sniper rifle. That is useful, but how does he look through the scope when the gun is on his back, how does he even pull the trigger!!!! Please tell me.
Merlin Bunn

Uncle Tusk replies:
I hope that's your real name, as it would attract just the sort of schoolyard kickings you so clearly require. But the official (and highly technical) explanation from the designer goes as follows: "His titanium testicles do the aiming and the firing." Bet you're glad you asked now.

Hey Uncle Tusk, what's with da' clothes?

Anyway, I just got DK64 on Saturday the 11th I think of December and I'm asking for some help. I'm in the Frantic Factory world and I can't seem to be able to defeat the boss, MadJack. All I ask is for some help (ie- Hints, Tips, How to beat him...)

Thanks a Bunch.

By the way, how the heck did you get the name, Mr. Tusk, anyway? It sounds really... stupid?
FlameThrower30@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies:
And 'FlameThrower30' is particularly inspired, is it? Maybe to an eight-year-old, pal.

The best tip we can give you for effectively hoofing our friend Mr. Jack to kingdom come involves the camera setup: zooming it out from the default setting gives you a much wider view of the battlefield and consequently a much better chance of survival. If you've already tried that and you still can't beat him, maybe you should just stick with the original DK arcade game. What, you can't get anywhere with that either? Astonishing.

Dear Rare Magic Makers,


I am writing you, no, actually I am begging you to hear my request. It is about the blood content in Perfect Dark. I am not asking you to get rid of all of the gore but I would just like to ask if it is not too late for a realism switch (blood on/blood off) to be incorporated into your game. Me and my brother are huge fans of GoldenEye and we have been very patiently and happily following the development of what seems to be a "Perfect" game (no pun intended). The only problem is that my parents don't want us to buy a game that we can't play without blood splattering everywhere. I don't know how long changes in a game may take and I know that there are only two months left until the release. If nothing can be done, I was wondering if you could please send us a decent description of the blood and violence content in your game so that my family and I can decide whether I will be able to purchase this game. I respect any opposition to my request but I would like to let you know that there would be one more Perfect Dark purchase if anything is done. A response would be more than appreciated. Please keep making games that will continue to amaze the world!

Sincerely,
Chris Mercurio

Uncle Tusk replies:
There's a simple solution to all this: "The game has an option for 'paintball mode' which changes the otherwise realistic blood splat and bullet hit effects into splashes of paint." But the fact remains that it's a Mature-rated game, making any other blood-reduction options basically redundant. You wuss.

Dear big-like guy Uncle Tusk dude,

Umm, I need to give you a quote:

"my right to ignore hallucinating idiots such as yourself who spend their lives nurturing furry animal political conspiracy theories. Hang on, you're not George Orwell, are you?"--Uncle Tusk (yes, you said that).

Now I need to ask you ONE question... what in the hallway is wrong with "Animal Farm"!? Infidel, you probably didn't even know his real name was Eric Blair; George Orwell was just his pen name, you arrogant fool!!! But then again, you're named after an elephant part, what would you know!?!?

Oh, yes, and by the way, EXCELLENT job with DK64!!! I LOVE the DK rap!

Now, back to the agenda at hand, you ignorant barbarian. I would love to see an "Animal Farm" video game... be the vicious Napoleon and strategically subdue the rest of the animals except for your fellow swine... or could you choose to play 'Le Resistance', a group of paranoid French chickens who have caught on to Napoleon's evil scheming plot... So, what do ya' think, Uncle Tusk, don't you think that would make a GREAT Rare game?
Michael Nicholas Broxterman
(P.S. How do I get a big, beefy body like yours?)
(P.S.S. Tell Mr. Pants I said "Hi" and that I enjoyed his appearance in Jet Force Gemini.)

Uncle Tusk replies:
Did I ever claim to know what George Orwell's real name was? Did you ever expect me to really, honestly give a toss? Animal Farm may well have been a classic of literary allegory and all that, but the fact remains: it was a book about stupid talking animals, and nobody in their right mind could possibly hope to make a living out of... out of... er... next question.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Please do not throw this in your pile of crap mail, I need answers! My question is about Donkey Kong 64, I want to know how to get the Nintendo Coin. There are about four things I could try...

1) I could try to get all the bananas

2) I could try to get all the golden bananas

3) I could try to capture all of the banana fairies on film

4) I could also try to get all the blueprints.

Please respond to my desperate cries for help!

Your fan,

Peculiar Dan

Uncle Tusk replies:
You could do all those things, and please do because I'd find it most entertaining when the realisation dawned that none of them were working. What would give you a far greater chance of success is completing the original DK arcade game, then going back and completing it again. Unless you're crap at it like everyone else brought up on these soft modern games. Up the Hardcore!

Dear Uncle Tusk,


I've received some distressing news that may or may not be true. I have been informed that the Co-Operative and Counter Operative modes have been REMOVED from Perfect Dark. For all of those who have received similar heartbreaking news, I think we deserve confirmation (or otherwise) and at least an explanation! Dear God, this is all too much for me...
DFC
PS I think the palpitations are starting!!! First face mapping, and now THIS!

Uncle Tusk replies:
You want us to provide an official explanation for something you've just made up? How about I kick your face off instead?

Yo Uncle Tusk!

Being from Croatia I couldn't have failed to notice that the JFG bear who gives you a spaceship part has a Croatish (have I spelled this right) name - Ivana. So what's the story? Has somebody from JFG team had an affair with a real girl Ivana from these parts? I can imagine a story full of love, passion, envy and abortion. Please answer this one I've got to know!
Ivan S. aka Gjuro007

Uncle Tusk replies:
Let's see what the designer has to say:

"Steady... The bear does share a name with Ms Ivana Trump, who is Czechoslovakian, but she was called that for a completely unrelated and puerile reason."

So no, it's got absolutely nothing to do with the name's country of origin. It's just a childish in-joke which wouldn't be funny to anyone else - in fact it's not even a very good in-joke, because you have to mispronounce the name for it to work. As if we'd let that bother us.

Dear Uncle Tusk:

I'm having a blast defeating all the bosses in Donkey Kong 64, but although I've annihilated the Creepy Castle boss, taken the key to K. Lumsy and watched K. Rool's mouth open, I can't find my way into it to enter Hideout Helm. How do I do it? I'd appreciate your help.

Also, in Crystal Caves, how do I break the igloo with the giant boulder inside it so I can lift it with Chunky Kong? And how do I get inside the igloo with Tiny's teleport pad inside it? And how do I enter the library in the Creepy Castle world?

Thanks for answering my questions, and long live Donkey Kong!
Edward Petty

Uncle Tusk replies:
Say hello to your dad Tom for me! Fantastic.

First bit of your question: Monkeyport in as Tiny from K. Rool Isle. Stop being crap.

Second part of your question: there's another boulder outside the igloo, near the ice castle. And a switch not far from that. See? Stop being crap.

Second bit of the second part of your question (nice layout): teleport in from the cave near Funky's hut that you can only reach by shrinking. And... stop being crap.

Third bit of the blah blah etc.: through the library door, genius. You have hit the switch around the corner, haven't you? You'd have to be earth-shakingly crap to - ah, I see.

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hi. I want you to update, so I thought I'd send you an email and you could make it that last one that you need to make an update. OK, I've thought up this really neat multi-player feature for Perfect Dark. You know how Player One always chose all of the settings? Well, you should have an option so that each game, the control of the arrow shifts to the next player. Yeah, and with co-operative mode, can you cruise through all of the levels with a friend or do you have to pass them on one-player first? By the way, regarding all the people that I would have shot with the face-mapping option, now I am going to go and shoot them all in real life.

~Snail

Uncle Tusk replies:
Yes, well done. I'm sure those hysterical media types would really appreciate the irony. As for the variable multiplayer setups, we're way ahead of you, fella:

"There are a variety of choice lock options for multiplayer settings, such as last winner, last loser, etc. You can play through the story missions in co-operative mode without having to unlock them in single player."

Tusk,


I rented DK64 from Blockbuster and played the heck out of it. Now, I have some questions that I think it would be best to ask you since no one else on the net seems to be that much of a help.

1) What's the highest percentage you can get? I heard it was 101% but someone thinks there's a possibility of it being 102%.

2) Do you need to collect ALL of the bananas (the regular variety that can be fed to the hippo to open the boss door) to reach the maximum percentage?

2a) If not, does collecting all of them unlock something like, say, new multiplayer levels?

3) Is there a Lost World in the game? I mean, DKC 2 and 3 had them and I thought there might be one in this too.

Josh the Video Game Maniac

Uncle Tusk replies:
1) Someone does, do they? Maybe you should give Someone a sharp slap across the back of the head the next time they start spouting such groundless cack.

2) It's earning the medals that's important, not collecting every last banana, so 75/100 for each Kong on each level should do the job.

2a) Was it your old friend Someone who came up with this theory, by any chance?

3) If I'm to believe what my sources tell me, DK64's Lost World can be found "up your bottom".

Dear Uncle Tusk,

Hey, why did you ever stop the beta version of GoldenEye? Do you have any codes for the old KF7? If you could, do you allow people to barrow the beta version? I just just want to see how cool it is and plus I am 21 years old I am old enough to play that version since it is gory. That rating was 17+ for the age. So I just want to see what the old weapons look like & sound like. All I am asking for is just to barrow it for maybe a couple of weeks. I'll pay you if you let me barrow it!!!! I also want to see the citadel level. Just let me barrow it for a couple of weeks and I won't tell anybody I swear!!!
BUMPMICK@aol.com

Uncle Tusk replies:

AOL veterans everywhere: you now have a new benchmark of stupidity to aspire to. Here's an important tip to help you avoid being nutted by your friends and colleagues on a day-to-day basis, son: don't ever say anything to anyone about anything unless you've gone and checked up on it first, because you're clearly the most gullible man alive. And your genuine belief that 'borrow' is spelt 'barrow' at the age of 21 is just too scary for words.

Right - I'm off for a nice quiet lie down in the shed with a big bucket of coffee. Disturb me and I'll brain you with it.